


A Little Bit of Light

by SessKagShipper2003



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU (you'll see), Anxiety Disorder, Crying, Depression, Drug Use, F/F, Galaxy Gals, God do they cry, Graphic Self Harm, Homophobia, Insomnia, Insomniac Evan, Larry is a homophobic twit, M/M, Marijuana, Overdose, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Self Harm, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, Suicide mentions, Swearing, Tree Bros, boys crying, dear evan hansen - Freeform, general anxiety, psychotic depression, tags will change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-19 08:30:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 34,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11893911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SessKagShipper2003/pseuds/SessKagShipper2003
Summary: "The missing pills from the Medicine Cabinet...The missing kid found passed out in the park..."





	1. Found

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ThugisaIsBae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThugisaIsBae/gifts).



> Read the tags for triggers. There are a lot. Also, I don't know shit about overdose. I did some research, but please excuse my ignorance.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day, and here's why:_

Evan blinked at his phone screen, distracted by the somersaults his stomach was attempting. His breathing was sporadic, his hands shook, and he felt convinced that the world was about to cave in around him.

_Just another Friday night with Evan._

Sighing, he put his phone in his pocket and got to his feet. It was strangely cool for summer, so he decided to grab a sweater. He pulled it on over his t-shirt (despite what Jared said, he didn't wear that blue polo shirt  _every_ day... just most days) and hurried out of the house, hoping the air would clear his head. His mom was at work, so he was alone. Ellison Park was only a few blocks away, and at this time of night (barely eleven), it was too late for kids and too early for more... shady people to be wandering around. He clenched his fists in the sweater's pockets, nails digging into his palms. Everything seemed too big, and he felt way too small. His brain was a running commentary of  _what if'_ s, and he lost track of time as he walked.

He reached Ellison after a few minutes, losing himself in the park's rolling hills. He pulled his phone out as he got further from the street and used it as a flashlight, though he knew the park like the back of his hand. It turned out to be a good idea because otherwise, he wouldn't have found Connor. He was propped up against a tree, and Evan froze where he was standing for a minute. The other boy was too still.

"Connor?" he asked uncertainly, and Connor blinked up at him blearily. 

"Hansen?"

"Hi," Evan said, not really knowing what else to do. This wasn't really helping with the panic attack.

Connor snorted, slurring his words as he answered, "I don't think I am anymore. I passed that point a long time ago."

Evan's eyes were drawn to the orange bottle in Connor's hand. It was empty.

"Connor... What did you do?"

"None of your fucking... business." He seemed to get distracted halfway through the sentence, and he took way too long to finish it.

"Connor," Evan said softly, trying to keep his voice steady. "Did you overdose?"

Connor laughed, "I hope so."

"Alright," Evan said, stepping off the path and kneeling next to Connor, "Alright. We can deal with this. Um... Should I call your-"

"No!" Connor cried, and Evan flinched. "I'm fine." He pushed himself to his feet and made it one step before he stumbled and collapsed again.

 _Jesus Christ_ , Evan thought to himself,  _He's... really high._

"Connor, we need to call someone, alright? It's alright if it isn't your parents, but if we leave things how they are, you're going to die."

"Sounds good to me."

Understanding hit Evan like a slap in the face, and he narrowed his eyes.

"Alright, that settles it."

He pulled out his phone, and Connor instantly gripped his wrist.

"I said no," he slurred, and Evan pulled away from his weak grip.

"I won't call your parents. I'm just calling Poison Control. I... erm... think I know what to do, but I don't want to... take any risks. A-alright?"

He tapped the contact in his phone (his mom had insisted he have it when she found out that Jared had nearly overdosed at a party a few years back) and pressed the call button.

"This is Poison Control, do you have an emergency?"

"Yes, my..." he tried to decide what to call Connor. "My friend... yeah, friend... He overdosed on pills, and I think I know what to do, but I needed someone to guide me through it. I mean- Um- Yeah."

"Alright sir, can you find out what he took?"

Evan moved the phone away from his ear for a moment, taking the bottle out of Connor's hand.

"There's... no label. Connor, what are these? Why isn't there a label?"

"Some form of... shit? I dunno man, I stole 'em from my mom's cabinet."

"I don't know what they are," Evan said into the phone, "But they seem sort of like opiates." 

"Alright, can you ask him how he's feeling? The symptoms are important."

"Connor? How are you feeling?"

"Cold." Evan noted that he was shivering, and nodded, encouraging him to go on. "M' stomach hurts. Tired."

Evan nodded, saying softly, "Stay awake," before going back to the phone. It was strange how his panic had morphed into a cool, logical mask. "He says he's cold, and he's shivering a lot. He s-says he's really tired, but I won't let him sleep, don't worry. My mom told me how to deal with this, and-"

"Sir." The operator interrupted his rambling. "Anything else?"

"He said he was nauseous, and- Oh my God he's throwing up!" 

Connor was indeed throwing up, hunched over and being ill so violently that Evan was immediately concerned that something else was wrong.

"Okay sir, remain calm. This is just his body trying to get rid of the toxins. Watch him very carefully, and make sure he doesn't choke. I recommend you call an ambulance immediately."

"Alright. Alright. I think I can handle this now."

"Alright sir, call back immediately if something changes."

"Okay," Evan said, and there was a beat of silence, filled only by the sound of Connor retching, and then he hit End. He reached out and touched Connor's shoulder lightly.

"Connor? I'm calling 911 right now."

"No-" Connor started, but Evan shook his head.

"Yes." 

Connor seemed about to protest, but he threw up again before he could. Evan dialed.

"Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?"

"My friend overdosed, and I think he needs a hospital."

"Alright, sir, what is your location?"

"We're at Ellison Park. Not too far from the entrance, right near the path. Can't miss us."

"What's your friend's condition?"

"He's throwing up, and he says he's tired and cold. I was just on the phone with Poison Control, and they recommended I call nine-one-one."

"We're dispatching an ambulance to your location immediately. Should we keep you on the phone?"

"I think I have the situation covered for now. I should probably focus completely on my friend."

"Alright, sir. I recommend calling back Poison Control if anything else happens."

"S-sure."

Evan pressed End again, turning his full attention back to Connor. The taller boy was panting on his hands and knees, fist clenched as he tried to keep his dinner down, or what was left of it.

"Connor?"

"Mm?" Connor groaned, not looking at him.

"There's an ambulance coming. I need you to stay awake for as long as you can."

Connor threw up again instead of answering, and Evan tentatively rested his hand on his shoulder. Connor stiffened, then leaned into the touch, almost unwillingly.

"I wan' go to sleep..."

"You can't," Evan told him quietly, trying to mimic the tone his mom used when she was trying to calm him down. "You... you just can't..."

Evan heard the distant sound of sirens, and he huffed a sigh of relief.


	2. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor wakes up in the hospital with Evan on one side and Larry on the other. He can't decide which one is worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The last time he threatened to kill himself, what did you say?"
> 
> "Oh, for God's sake."
> 
> "He's just doing it for attention."

The first thing Connor realized when he woke up was that he shouldn't have been awake. That was followed quickly by the fact that he was in pain. His stomach ached like he'd had the stomach flu, and his head pounded. It took him a minute to open his eyes, and he regretted it as soon as he did. Larry was on his right, typing away on his phone, and Hansen was on his left, picking at his cast.

"What the hell is going on?"

Evan flinched next to him, not having realized he was awake, and Larry answered him without looking up.

"Why don't  _you_ tell  _me_ , Connor?"

"Larry, if I knew-"

"Why don't you tell me how you were out getting high?  _Again!_ Or how you were so intoxicated you had to be hospitalized?"

Each word felt like a stab through Connor's brain, but he listened quietly. He felt anger rising in his stomach, but he pushed it down again. His pulse hammered in his ears. Hansen watched the exchange in stunned silence, and Connor suddenly felt too small. Larry and Hansen got bigger, bigger, looking down on Connor and watching him struggle.

"Look," he tried, "It wasn't like-"

"Why don't you tell me how this poor boy had to drag your sorry ass to the hospital at eleven o'clock at night!?"

The words tumbled out before he could stop them, and Connor cried, "I'm  **trying** to tell you! Maybe you would know if you let me talk for once!"

Larry's face went red, and Connor realized he was screwed.

"We'll discuss this later, after this boy has gone home."

Hansen blinked and looked away, and Connor felt his anger fading a bit as he scanned the kid's face. He was trying hard not to bolt, Connor could tell.

"Where's Mom?" he asked Larry, trying to stop the fight before they gave the poor kid a panic attack.

"She took Zoe to her friend's house."

Connor nodded, distracted by the length of his sleeves. The gown he was wearing only reached his elbows, and all his cuts and scars were on full display. He shoved his arms under the thin sheet, trying to convince himself this was a nightmare.

"Is there-?" he broke off with a cough, then tried again, "Can I get some water?"

Larry didn't look at him, but Evan quietly handed him a glass of water that had been on the far edge of the table. It was sweet and cool and Connor felt a thousand times better when he had finished it, 

"Thanks," he muttered, setting the empty glass down on the table again, before hiding his arms again.

The three sat in awkward silence, until Larry's phone rang. He got to his feet and moved to the hallway, and Connor whipped around to face Evan the second the door closed.

"What the fuck happened?"

Evan went pale for a second, before he answered quickly, "W-well you overdosed, and I was- I mean I walked over to the park, and I- um- you- well-"

"Slow down. I know that part. Jesus Christ, that was sad to watch. What happened after I blacked out?"

"W-well they made me answer some q-questions, but I told them- well it was kind of a lie, but kind of not a lie- I told them I didn't know anything, but they called your p-parents and th-they came, and we didn't really talk and I wasn't going to stay, but I figured- well, I mean-"

"Alright, alright. I get it. Chill."

Connor lifted his hand to fix his hair, and both boys froze when Evan's eyes landed on the scars.

_Shit._

Connor grabbed the collar of Evan's shirt, rage rising again. "You tell a  _soul_ and I'll make sure those are your last word, got it?"

Evan nodded frantically, and he got to his feet as soon as Connor released him. 

"Well, um, I'd better... go..."

He turned around, tripping over his feet a bit, before hurrying out the door, leaving the other boy to watch him go.

* * *

Connor was dozing off when Cynthia entered, and he forced himself to stay awake for a while longer. She was teary-eyed when she sat down next to him, and he felt a pang of self-loathing.

_Nice job, Connor, you made your mom cry. What kind of a son are you?_

"How are you feeling, honey?"

"Like crap," he muttered, and she gave a shaky sigh before she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He tensed, not knowing what to do, and when she pulled away she was full-on crying. 

"Please be more careful, honey."

He didn't answer, looking down at the mattress in silence.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, yo, yo, just doing my basic notes real fast. I don't own DEH. Read the tags for triggers. Let me know if I should add more.


	3. Welcome Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larry and Cynthia argue. Connor has a breakdown. Feels happen. Prepare yourselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Just because Connor isn't here, trying to punch through my door, screaming at the top of his lungs that he's going to kill me for no reason- that doesn't mean that, all of a sudden, we're the fucking Brady Bunch."

The ride home from the hospital was awkward. Cynthia sat in the front, looking determinedly ahead, and Connor sat as far from her as he could. He was much calmer now that his scars were properly covered, though he still dreaded going home. 

It didn't really feel like a home anymore. There had been too many fights, too many times when his parents would yell too loud, too many times Zoe flinched away from him, too many nights listening to Zoe cry when she thought no one could hear. Too many nights of him doing the same.

The car pulled into the driveway, and he steeled himself. Larry was either going to ignore him or dole out a grounding the second he walked in. He couldn't decide which was worse. Cynthia turned to look at him, sighing softly before she said, "Connor, I know... I haven't been the best mother in the world. But I need you to know that you can talk to me, no matter what. Okay?"

He looked down, clenching his fists in his lap.

_Great, now she feels bad because of you. God, you're such a fuckup. You couldn't even kill yourself right._

"I'm fine, Mom," he muttered, opening the door and half-running to the house. He could deal with yelling, and insults, and punishments, but whatever  _that_ had been was way too much. He stopped on the mat, hand resting on the doorknob. Cynthia's door closed, and the car chirped, locking automatically.

Sighing, he opened the door, walking straight to his room with no interference. He leaned heavily against the door as he closed it, sliding down to the floor and bringing his knees to his chest. So far everything was silent, and he waited, lost in thoughts.

_Nice job Murphy. Your parents are going to fight again, and Hansen's going to tell everyone everything, and you **couldn't even kill yourself right, you massive fuck**. You're such a damn freak!_

He could feel himself starting to spiral, and he tried for a minute to bring himself back, fighting the rage coiled in the pit of his stomach. Pulling himself to his feet, he paced anxiously, waiting for the yelling to start and send everything over the edge. Larry wouldn't let him even think of letting him leave the house now, even when all he needed was a little time to get himself functioning again, or as close as he ever got to it.

Larry's voice was a low hum below him, but he could imagine his face clearly. Annoyed, about to snap. Cynthia answered, and Connor could hear the pleading tone in his mind, though his ears were failing him. He twisted and punched the wall hard, wincing as pain shot through his hand. Cradling it gingerly, he dropped down on his bed, fighting every instinct that told him to bolt. 

"He's trying his best!" Cynthia cried, "He needs your support!"

Connor clamped his hands over his ears.

"He's not  **trying** to do anything! He's out getting high every night and skipping classes during the day! What is he trying to do, Cynthia?!"

He pulled his knees to his chest. Hyperventilated. Shook.

"He can't get better without help, Larry! We don't understand what he's dealing with!"

Tears overflowed, and Connor didn't dare move his hands for long enough to wipe them away.

"Well, I  **do** understand that he's dangerous! One of these days he'll hurt Zoe, or me, or you! Will you still defend him then?"

Cynthia didn't answer for a moment, and Connor fought to suppress a sob her silence had woken.

"Yes," Cynthia finally answered, quieter but still loud enough for him to hear, "because if we let it get to that point, then it's our fault."

"He doesn't want to get better! He'd rather wallow, and make himself sick to skip school!"

The sob escaped. He screwed his eyes shut.

"You think he  **likes** this? It's a god damned  **illness**!"

His door slammed against the wall and he flinched away, but it was only Zoe. She was shaking too, looking like this was the last place she wanted to be, but she just shut the door, moving over to his bed. 

"Move over."

"What the fuck?"

"Move over!" She nudged his shoulder, but he remained still.

"What the hell are you playing at? I'm not-"

Larry's voice cut through his shitty attempt at conversation, a full-blown shout now.

"I WON'T HAVE HIM RUINING HIS OWN LIFE AND THEN COMING HOME, EXPECTING SYMPATHY!"

Zoe's hands clamped over her ears, and in a split second, Connor understood. He moved over. She sank down gratefully, leaning against the wall next to him.

Cynthia said something, quiet, defeated, and Connor's stomach twisted. So Larry won this one.

Zoe sniffled and wrapped her arms around him, and he froze at the uncharacteristic display.

"Look," she whispered, voice shaking, "In a couple minutes, this will all be over, and we can go back to hating each other, alright? But not right now."

Connor slowly relaxed, not wanting her to know how much better he felt, and hugged her back.

Larry and Cynthia's voices were rising again, and they both held on tighter.

* * *

"They're fighting because of me," Zoe whispered hours later, as the screaming continued.

"What? Of course they aren't-"

"They are," she said simply, numbly, "I'm the reason Dad was mad enough to start it. We argued earlier when I told him that I'm gay."

"Woah, what?"

"Did you seriously not realize?"

Connor shook his head, disbelief coloring his voice. "Didn't you date the one guy back in fifth grade? Jeremy?"

"His idea. It only lasted a week. I was waiting for  _you_ to come out, to see how he'd react, but you're still putting it off-"

"You knew?" he asked incredulously, and she moved away from him just enough to grin up at him.

"Of course I knew. I still remember you telling me about your crush on that Kleinman kid, back in second grade. That one didn't last long."

He looked away, muttering, "That's 'cause Kleinman's an ass." Zoe laughed, the sound shattering the tense atmosphere of the room, only to have her next question bring it all back to the surface.

"You didn't overdose on accident, did you?"

He tensed, pulling away from the hug in silence, but she grabbed his wrist, keeping him where he was. His sleeve rode up, and she saw the edge of a scar. He jerked his wrist away.

"Christ," she whispered, shaking her head slightly. "That's- You need help, Connor."

"You think I don't know that?" he snapped, and they both froze as she flinched away. Just like that, their little sibling moment shattered. Zoe whirled and left, closing the door a bit too hard behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blah, blah, blah, triggers in the tags, I don't own DEH.
> 
> Also, Connor is a touch starved little bean (my son). I should probably put this at the beginning but you know the drill by now.


	4. Back to School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larry and Cynthia come to a shaky agreement. Connor and Zoe aren't talking. Jared is an idiot. Just the usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Connor was... he was a complicated person."
> 
> "No, Connor was a bad person. There's a difference."
> 
> UGH I CAN'T WRITE JARED TO SAVE MY LIFE I'M SORRY

Connor stayed in his room for a few hours after the fight ended, slowly putting himself back together. He hesitated when Cynthia called him for dinner, but in the end, he got up and trudged down the stairs. Zoe didn't look at him as he sat down, and he fixed his gaze on his empty plate. 

"Alright. I'll just come out with it," Larry said, and Connor prepared himself. "Both of you are in... rough places right now. I understand that. I don't want it to come across like I don't." It took all the self-control Connor had to keep himself from laughing right then. "However, this doesn't excuse your recent actions."

Connor scowled, tapping his fingers on the table. They made a calming rhythm, and he tried to focus on that.

"Hang on," Zoe said, and Connor nearly facepalmed right then. It was clear she wasn't usually on the receiving end of Larry's anger. "What did I do?"

"I understand that your teenage years are a confusing time, but I can't excuse  **lying**. Especially about something like that."

Zoe's face flamed, and Connor prayed that she'd stay silent. She didn't.

"Something like what? Being gay?"

Larry coughed, and she got to her feet. Everyone's eyes were on her, but she seemed too angry to care.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Does the word offend your innocent ears? I'm sorry I can't control my fucking sexuality!"

Cynthia gasped slightly, and Connor watched Zoe in stunned silence. Was she  **stupid**?

"Grounded for two weeks. No phone, no friends, nothing. Apologize, and maybe I'll shorten it."

Of course he'd try to help out his favorite, even while punishing her. Zoe crossed her arms and met his eyes. She didn't budge.

"Three weeks. Go to your room."

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and set it on the table, walking out in silence. Connor heard her door slam, and a moment later she threw something against the wall with a shout. Maybe they weren't that different after all.

"Christ," Larry muttered, "She's acting just like-"

Cynthia smacked his arm and he stopped. Connor got the message.

Reading the mood, Connor asked softly, "Can I go?"

Cynthia nodded, and he got up quickly, taking the stairs two at a time. He paused in front of Zoe's door, but walked on to his room when he heard something else smash against the wall.

He flopped down on the bed, pulling his phone out of his pocket. Larry hadn't gotten around to punishing him, so he figured he could do what he wanted until he remembered.

There was a knock on the door, and Connor tensed, but it was just Cynthia.

"Connor? Can we talk, please?"

"Do we have to?" he asked, not looking up from the illuminated screen. He didn't have any social media (his Instagram didn't count, since he hadn't used it in months), but he loved to read on his phone and listen to music.

"Yes. It's sort of important. Your father and I have been trying to figure out a way to help you, and I think we're on to something."

He looked up at her, skeptical, and pulled out his desk chair to sit on.

"Alright. Shoot," he muttered, setting the phone aside, and pretending to care.

"Your father wants you to do better in school. Zoe mentioned a classmate of yours, Alana Beck, and she mentioned that she's open to tutoring anyone who needs it. Zoe's going to set up regular sessions for you, alright?"

Connor groaned but nodded, repositioning himself so his head was propped on his elbow.

"What else?"

"I know that... you're struggling right now. And I know that you told me therapy wasn't helping anything,  but I want you to try it again. I won't make you take any more meds unless this becomes a problem. Okay?"

He nodded, stringing swear words together in his head.

"And listen, I know your father can be a little harsh sometimes-" Connor scoffed. "-but he's just looking out for you."

"Do you support Zoe?" he asked quietly, looking down at his comforter with little interest.

Cynthia paused. "I do. I'll try to talk to your father, but he's... difficult."

"He'll probably get worse when he finds out I'm into guys," Connor said with a smirk, and his mother just smiled slightly. Was Larry the only one who didn't know?

"And one more thing," she said quietly, reaching over to smack him across the face. "If you **ever**  take my pills again, you'll figure out who's the real harsh one. Alright?"

His voice shook as he answered. "Alright."

"I love you," she said quietly, running a quick hand through his hair.

"Love you too, Mom," he muttered.

* * *

Connor walked into school the next day with his eyes on the floor and one hand clenched tightly around his bag's strap. He waited in silence for someone to say something. Anything. Because there was no way in hell that Hansen had kept his secret. Sure he had said he wouldn't, but people lie.

He made it to his locker with little interference, fiddling with the lock in silence. He usually went to first period, if nothing else. 

"Hey Connor," someone said behind him, and he stiffened.  _Fucking_ Kleinman. 

"I don't have time for this, Kleinman."

Jared stayed silent for a moment, and when he spoke again, Connor could hear him smirking. "Oh, sorry. Too busy getting stoned? Or blowing your dealer?"

"Nope. Going to class, actually. Maybe you should try it."

He stepped away from the locker, but Jared was too close, blocking his path to class. 

"God, you don't have a single one of your sister's good qualities, do you? Got all the bad traits, hm?"

Connor clenched his fists, trying to count to ten. He didn't want his parents called in the first fucking week of school.

"At least I have traits, Kleinman. Do you have any mood besides 'asshole'?"

Jared punched him hard, turning his head with the blow. He looked down at his fist in astonishment for a moment, and Connor rubbed his jaw. Everyone was looking, and he couldn't breathe. He spotted Hansen, who seemed to have frozen on his way over to them. He stared, unabashed, and Connor wanted to scream. He settled for shoving Jared hard against the locker, turning and walking out to the parking lot as fast as he could. The doors had hardly closed before he reached into his pocket for a smoke. Anything to calm him down.

His pockets were empty.

He heard the doors open behind him, and he heard a brief flash of chatter before they closed again. Of course they were all talking about him.

_Connor Murphy, who threw the printer at Mrs. G in second grade. Connor Murphy who's been in more fights than the rest of the school combined. Connor Murphy who can't control his anger. Connor Murphy, whose family hates him. Connor Murphy who makes his mother cry. Connor Murphy who **can't even kill himself right**._

"Connor?"

He whirled around, fighting every urge telling him to find the nearest bridge and jump.

"What!?"

It was Hansen. He picked at his cast just like he had in the hospital, and for some reason that made Connor furious.

"Haven't you done enough?"

Evan blinked at him, tilting his head to the side like a little kid. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be fucking dead, and I wouldn't have to do any of this shit anymore!"

Connor clenched his fists at his sides, trying to ignore his heart, trying to beat its way out of his chest. It was too warm, and he unzipped his sweater impatiently, raking a hand through his hair to try to keep it off his neck. 

"Look, I... I know how you feel. But you can't just... killing yourself won't fix anything. I mean- um..." he trailed off, trying to find a way to put his thoughts into words. Connor dug his hand into his bag, looking desperately for a joint. Or a cigarette. Or  **anything**.

"Are you alright?" Hansen's words cut through his hazy thoughts, and he froze. No one had asked him that for years. His family was content to sit and watch him spiral.

"No.  **No** , I'm not. Do I fucking look okay?"

The bell rang. Hansen didn't move. 

"Look, just..." Connor scowled, his thoughts chanting,  _freak, freak, freak_ , "Go."

"But-"

"Go!" he shouted, turning away and reaching into his bag. By the time he found his headphones, Evan was gone.

* * *

"Connor Murphy to the principal's office."

The announcement echoed through the empty halls (and blared in the parking lot) in the middle of third period, and Connor, who had spent the last few hours in his car listening to AJR, dragged himself to his feet. There was no point in avoiding it.

He didn't pause outside the principal's door, more familiar with the office than he wanted to admit. He walked in to find Mr. Howard sitting behind his desk with his parents and two people he could only assume were Kleinman's parents on the other side. Jared slouched in another chair, and there was one empty. (Mr. Howard always had a lot of chairs, no one knew why.) He sat down, not making eye contact.

Mr. Howard addressed their parents first. 

"Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, Mr. and Mrs. Kleinman, I'm so sorry to have to call you here with such short notice. Your sons were involved in a small conflict earlier, and we wanted to get the record set straight."

Connor scowled, and he felt Larry's hand grip his shoulder tightly. 

"I should be apologizing, Mr. Howard. We just don't know what to do with this one."

Connor flinched and he heard Cynthia whisper, "Larry!"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually," Mr. Howard said, pulling some papers out of his desk. "This is a referral for Connor to work on his anger management."

Cynthia tucked them in her purse, not even looking at them. 

"Actually, Mr. Howard, we're in the middle of finding him something right now."

"Perfectly alright, Mrs. Murphy. It's required by the district that I give the whole spiel either way, but I'm glad to hear he's getting help."

"What exactly happened?" Mrs. Kleinman asked, and Connor could hear the same tone he hated in Jared.

"I was told that Connor shoved Jared into a locker, and that injury is keeping him from finishing his work."

"My shoulders really hurt," Jared whined, and Larry's grip on Connor's shoulder tightened.

"That's not what happened," Connor muttered, and Larry said sharply, "Don't lie, Connor."

"I'm not!" Connor cried, looking up for the first time, and Cynthia gasped.

"Larry, look at his face!"

Connor raised his eyebrows, finding his reflection in the small mirror on Mr. Howard's wall. His jaw was swollen, and bright red where Jared had hit him. Jared went pale.

"What happened there, Connor?" Mr. Howard asked gently, and he replied quietly, "Jared punched me."

Jared immediately protested, but Connor continued. "I only shoved him because he was trying to hurt me. Hansen was there, he can tell you the whole story."

Mr. Howard blinked at him and leaned into his intercom.

"Evan Hansen to the principal's office."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo I like comments a lot


	5. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan bails Connor out. Jared isn't too happy. Zoe continues to fight with Larry. Tensions build. Connor gets sick.
> 
> Also, I don't think I established it, but it's a Friday at this point in the story. And school started on Wednesday. Connor went to the hospital on Wednesday night, got out on Thursday and stayed home all that day.
> 
> [Sixty-eight kudos! OMG! And almost five-hundred hits! Thank you guys so much!]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Well, I just, I thought, because we're friends."
> 
> "We're family friends. That's a whole different thing and you know it."
> 
> JARED NEEDS TO STOP BEING A JERK LIKE I KNOW I'M THE AUTHOR BUT I'M LEGITIMATELY MAD
> 
> Heavy trigger warning for self harm in this chapter

There were a few minutes of awkward silence while they waiting for Evan, and all the while Larry's grip continued to crush Connor's shoulder. When Evan finally did arrive he walked in silently, fidgeting with his cast as he sat down.

"Evan, welcome."

Evan swallowed thickly, and asked, "D-did I do something wrong? I kn-know I was late for class this morning but Mr. Fletcher already told me it was fine, and I-"

"Slow down, Evan," Mr. Howard reassured him, speaking as if he was talking to a panicked animal, "I just want to know what happened between Connor and Jared this morning. They said you saw."

Connor noticed Jared and Evan exchanging looks, and for a split second, he was entirely convinced that Evan was going to lie. But he answered quickly, sharply, and correctly.

"They were talking, and I couldn't hear what they were saying, but Jared was provoking Connor, and he said something back, and- um- I guess Jared just kind of snapped, and he punched him, and Connor- um- well he kind of- he just pushed Jared away and walked off. I don't know what happened afterward, 'cause that's when the bell rang." Jared glared, and Evan didn't look at him. Mr. Howard nodded to himself.

"Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, I'd like to apologize for this inconvenience. It appears like Connor wasn't the antagonist in this situation. I feel like both parties could have handled this better, but Mr. Kleinman will be the one receiving punishment."

"May I go back to class?" Evan asked quietly, and Mr. Howard nodded. "You go too, Connor. I'd like to talk a bit more with Mr. Kleinman."

They both got up, and Evan held the door for him. 

"Thanks," he muttered, if not only for his parents, who he knew were listening.

Evan paused for a moment, and they made brief eye-contact.

"Um-" Connor started, breaking off with a cough. He felt abnormally warm and slightly dizzy. "Thanks. For telling the truth."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Nevermind."

"Where's your next class?"

Connor pulled his schedule out of his pocket, figuring that he might as well go to class.

"402."

"I'm headed to 405. Do you want to...? Um...?"

"Sure," Connor said stiffly, and Evan smiled a bit.

And so they walked.

* * *

"Okay, what. The. Actual. Fuck."

Jared cornered Evan after sixth period, looking legitimately pissed.

"Wh-what?"

"Don't you 'wh-what' me. You know what I mean."

"I just told the truth. You punched Connor. Why should I lie about it?"

"Maybe because we're  **friends**? And that's what friends do for each other?"

"You told me on Wednesday that we were just family friends. Th-that there's a difference!"

"Well, I was just fucking with you, obviously!"

Evan looked down at him, trying to read his face. He was semi-pissed that Jared just expected him to lie for him, and he was already running late.

"Look, Jared, I- um- I have to go. I have a lot to do, and-"

"Alright," Jared said quietly, turning away, "Okay."

He left Evan by his locker, not really knowing how everything had ended up so messed up.

* * *

Dinner was a strained affair at the Murphy house. Zoe very pointedly ignored Larry. Connor tried to stay quiet. Cynthia made idle chatter about the state of her garden. Larry checked his email. 

"Phone, Connor," Larry said suddenly. Connor scowled. "Why?"

"Because you shoved that boy today. Really, it hasn't even been a week and you're already getting into trouble."

"I was defending myself!" 

"You expect me to believe that? Your reputation isn't on your side here Connor."

"I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Phone. Now."

"He's telling the truth!" Zoe cried. "I saw!" And suddenly the focus was shifted away from Connor. Part of him was thankful, and the other part was wary. What was she going to do?

"Zoe, you don't have to defend him."

Zoe flinched and Connor felt bad for her for a moment. She wasn't used to this yet. 

"Why? He's right!"

"We have no proof!"

"What about my word? Or Evan's? We were there! You weren't!"

"Zoe," Cynthia admonished, and Connor watched Zoe storm off to her room. In a few days, she had shifted from the favorite to a near copy of him. Though, admittedly, she didn't have anywhere near his issues. 

Larry scowled, then turned back to Connor. 

"Phone. Now."

"Larry,  **he** punched  **me**!"

"Connor!"

Connor couldn't stop himself anymore, and before he realized what was happening they were both standing, shouting back and forth. Cynthia got up and cleaned up the dishes, sending them to continue the argument in the den.

* * *

Connor stormed up to his room an hour later, without his phone and desperately craving a smoke. Larry had probably searched his room while he was at the hospital, because there were none to be found. He reached into the drawer by his bed, finding his razor exactly where he had left it. Hands shaking, he pulled up his sleeve and dragged the blade across his wrist.

* * *

He woke a few hours later with his stomach twisting violently. Connor barely had time to stumble to the bathroom before he collapsed and **heaved** his entire existence into the toilet. The acrid smell of bile hit his nose, and he couldn't stop himself from getting sick again. Zoe's door opened, and she moved to stand in the bathroom doorway.

"You dying?" she asked tiredly.

"Probably," he groaned, leaning back against the bathtub and bringing his knees to his chest.

"I'm getting Mom," she said quietly, and he shook his head. "No, I'm fine. Completely fine. I just need to go back to bed."

"They'll think you're faking otherwise."

"I don't care. I'd rather have them doubt me than be forced to stay here."

She looked at him doubtfully, and she seemed like she was about to agree when he lurched forward and retched, losing whatever he'd eaten that day. Zoe stepped back, turning to go to Cynthia and Larry's room.

"I'm getting her."

"Don't," Connor managed, panting, "Please."

She froze, turning to look at him. "Wow. You really are sick."

Sighing, looking like it was the last thing she wanted to do, Zoe entered the bathroom, kneeling next to him.

"I don't want to help you out, but I'm not going to let you stay in here and be pitiful."

She knocked his shoulder with hers, letting him lean on her. He was really light, she realized, and she could feel his ribs too clearly where their sides touched. "You overdid it today. You almost died yesterday, try and take it slow, hm?"

He threw up again instead of answering, not making it to the bowl in time and covering both of them. She winced, fighting everything that told her to scramble away.

"I'm gonna... get some stomach medicine. Or like... bleach. Or both."

He laughed, and she smiled lightly as she walked down the stairs, trying to ignore the puke sticking her shirt to her skin.

* * *

An hour later Connor had emptied his stomach and she had given him stomach medicine and a sleep-aid to knock him out. He was exhausted and sluggish, and she had to tuck him into bed. The whole ordeal was almost worth it when he murmured, "Thanks, Zoe," as she closed the door. Almost.

She had promised not to tell Cynthia, but she had felt Connor's fever when she tucked him in, and she knew she had to. She opened her parent's door, whispering, "Mom?" Cynthia had always been a light sleeper, and Larry had always been a heavy one. Cynthia sat up immediately. 

"What is it, Zoe?" she asked softly.

"Connor was throwing up."

Cynthia immediately threw back the covers, leaving her room and closing the door. Zoe lead her to the bathroom, which she hadn't been able to clean up yet. She gestured to her shirt as well, and Cynthia winced.

"Is he back in bed now?"

Zoe nodded,"I gave him some stomach meds and a sleep aid. But his fever's really high. He told me not to say anything, but I couldn't just..."

"Alright, thank you, Zoe. I'll get this cleaned up and go check on him. Go get cleaned up and go back to bed."

* * *

Connor woke briefly to the feeling of a cool hand on his forehead. Cynthia. She sighed lightly, moving his hair from his face and tucking it behind his ear. 

"Mom? S'too hot."

She flipped a switch on his wall and the overhead fan turned on. He sighed as the cool air hit his face and fell back into sleep.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own DEH. I love and adore comments. (SOMEONE BE FRIENDS WITH ME SO I CAN STOP GIFTING ALL MY STORIES TO MY SIBLING)


	6. There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe is done. Connor is overwhelmed. Cynthia is trying her best. Tyler exists now for some reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Can we try to have an optimistic outlook? Can we buck up just enough to see the world won't fall apart?"

Connor blinked against the light coming through his window. This was his first clue that something was off. He never opened the curtains. Ever. His second clue was the splitting pain in his head, the aching muscles in his abdomen, the sandpaper scratchiness of his throat, and the terrible heat that cloaked him. He threw his blankets off, letting the air from the fan hit his sweaty limbs. 

 _It's Saturday_ , his brain realized belatedly,  _I can go back to sleep_. 

The door opened, and Zoe stood in the frame. 

 _Or not_.

"Connor?"

"Hm?"

"You still dead?"

"M'tryna sleep. Go away."

"You  **could** be a little nicer." She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. "I let you puke on me all night, and this is the thanks I get?"

He looked up at her, realizing she was messing with him. She grinned and he tried to smile back.

"You didn't tell Mom, did you?"

"Yep," Zoe said, and his smile shattered. 

"Why!? You promised you wouldn't!"

She flinched when he raised his voice, but she answered calmly, "Because when you went to bed last night you had a fever of a hundred-and-two, and, believe it or not, I don't really want you to overdo it and fucking die."

He sighed, sitting up, and fixing his pillow to lean on.

"Are you up for breakfast? Mom sent me to find out."

He shook his head, "Stomach still hurts."

"Mm-kay." She paused, looking him up and down. "When was the last time you showered? Or brushed your hair? Or did anything?"

He closed his eyes, thinking. "Wednesday."

"You should probably do that."

He got up, pausing a bit as the room spun. Sighing, he walked past her and out of the room, muttering a quiet thanks as he did.

* * *

Connor emerged from the steamy bathroom feeling like a new person. His hair was brushed and washed, tied up in a loose bun. He felt a million times cooler and cleaner. It wasn't like he was skipped these things on purpose, he just forgot about them occasionally. Zoe passed him as he walked back to his room, and she gave him a slight smile. He smiled back, unsure how to feel.

He had hardly closed his bedroom door when Cynthia came in. She looked him up and down, smiling her best mom smile. "You look so much better today, Honey. How are you feeling?"

"A bit better," he said, uncertain of what she wanted to hear.

"I'm glad. Why don't you take a lazy day today, hm? It's Saturday. Your dad can't get mad at you over this."

Connor wanted to shoot back something like,  _Yes, he can_ , but he stopped himself. Her face was too hopeful.

"I actually was thinking about going out today. I have to meet someone."

"You sure, Honey? If you're stir-crazy, I was thinking about taking your sister to the orchard."

Connor hesitated. He'd always loved the orchard. His shaking hands brought him back, and he was immediately reminded of his body's desperate craving for some form of smoke.

"I'd rather not."

Her face fell a bit, but she kept her composure.

"Alright, Honey. Be careful." 

He gave her an absent nod. Of course she knew where he was going. Of  _fucking_ course! He flopped back onto his bed, waiting until he heard the car pull out of the driveway. After a few minutes, just to make sure she was gone, he grabbed his hoodie and wallet. He had almost fifty dollars on him, and that could get him enough to last for a while. He stepped out the door, pulling the dark garment on with practiced speed as he made his way down the stairs. 

"Connor?"

He froze, turning slowly to look at Zoe. She stood at the top of the staircase, looking down at him with... something shining in her eyes. 

"What do you want, Zoe? I thought you were going with Mom."

"I was. She got a text from a friend, something about an emergency with her son. I don't know the details. She told me to stay here. Where are you going?"

"None of your damn business."

"It actually is, since you're gonna piss off Dad, and then everything will suck for both of us. Just stay in, alright?"

"I can't. I have to do something."

"Yes, yes, I know, you have to get your fucking weed. Can you put it off for one fucking day, so maybe we can pretend to be a nice family for once?"

He felt anger clawing at the back of his throat, and he bit back what he was going to say, crossing his arms and gripping them tightly, fingernails digging into his arm through the fabric of his sweater. "Just mind your own business," he bit out.

"No!" She cried, throwing her hands up in the air, "Because your bad habits are affecting both of us now! Don't you get that?!"

He gritted his teeth, keeping his feet firmly planted and looking directly back at her.

"Shut up! Just shut up! You don't understand anything!"

"I understand enough to know that you're fucking delusional! You're too obsessed with your fucking drugs to see what you're doing to yourself! Or to Mom, or to me, or to anyone who's stupid enough to look at you wrong! I understand that you care more about yourself than the rest of the world combined! I understand that you're a selfish piece of shit, with no filter and no concern about the consequences! Because you're Connor  **fucking** Murphy, king of the fucking world, and you can do  **whatever the FUCK you want!** "

He snapped, gripping the banister hard to keep himself from walking up the stairs and doing god-knows-what.

"Like you're any better! Just because Dad's been mad at you for a few days doesn't mean you're suddenly a fucking victim! I'm sorry that living two days of my life is too hard for you! Just let me fucking go, Zoe!"

"NO!"

She stepped down the stairs, fists clenched, "It's bad enough that you've been ruining every fucking dinner for the past four years! It's bad enough you randomly decide you want to fucking kill me! It's bad enough that I can't listen to you idiots yell without having a fucking panic attack! Can't you just stop it for  **one day**?!"

"WELL I'M SORRY I'VE JUST FUCKING RUINED YOUR LIFE! SORRY I DIDN'T TAKE ENOUGH FUCKING PILLS, ALRIGHT!? SORRY I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD! SORRY I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING  **KILL MYSELF WELL ENOUGH FOR YOU**!!"

"You  **know** that's not what I-"

"STOP! Just... stop."

"Connor-" she started, but he took a step toward her, and she shrank back.

"That's what I thought."

He walked out the door without looking back.

* * *

The wind blew through Connor's hair as he walked past Ellison Park. He was beginning to remember the night of his attempt more clearly, now that everything had calmed down and his brain didn't have to move a mile a minute to keep up. He was still fuming as he went, fists clenched in his pockets. Sometimes Zoe was pretty alright, and sometimes she was decidedly not.

Tyler's house was only a few blocks away, and Connor lost himself in his thoughts as he walked.

* * *

Tyler Ericson was the closest thing Connor had to a friend. He'd heard about him in his freshman year, and the rumors hadn't been good. Tyler was a senior at the time, and he made money selling drugs, and alcohol, and everything of that nature. Connor decided to check it out, since he didn't have any other way to make whatever was wrong with him go away. 

Tyler didn't ask questions. He gave Connor a good deal, and smoked with him his first few times, helping him get used to the feeling and making sure he knew how to do it safely. Connor's lips were loose when he was high, and he and Tyler talked about too many things. When the school year ended and Tyler graduated, it felt like Connor was losing a brother. He moved away from smoking for a while, taking the bullshit drugs his mom bought for him and spending the beginning of sophomore year fighting withdrawals. When Zoe started pulling away, and Cynthia and Larry got louder, Connor went back to Tyler, just wanting to escape back to that comfortable numbness he'd been in before. 

And things got better. And worse. And Connor needed the drugs more than he ever had before. And Tyler was there. Always there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own DEH. Comments are my fuel (that, and coffee). Also, I don't fricken know how much weed costs. Don't judge me for my ignorance.


	7. Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finally gets his hands on some weed. Zoe's still mad. Evan is exhausted. Larry 's a twit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If I stop smoking drugs, then everything might be alright."

Connor knocked lightly on Tyler's front door, shoving his hands in his sweater pocket and looking down at his feet. Every trip to Tyler's house was a relief, a break from Larry and Cynthia, and a chance to ignore his messed up brain for a few fucking hours. A relief, yes, but also a lie. He'd lied too much, to his parents and to himself. Everything he did felt wrong. 

He stiffened as he heard the deadbolt slide, and a second later the door swung open, and Tyler Ericson stood there in all his glory. He was a full six inches shorter than Connor but just as slim and long-limbed. His hair fell in wild curls that hid his eyes and tucked around his ears, and his eyebrows pulled so low over his dark eyes that he always seemed to scowl. He wore a shirt for some band Connor had never heard of, and baggy jeans that brushed the ground when he walked. 

"Connor Murphy," he said simply, crossing his arms. "It's been a while."

"It has," Connor agreed. "Now, can I come in, or are we going to do this deal on your front porch?"

Tyler smiled, moving aside so Connor could walk in. The house smelled overwhelmingly of weed, but the scent was almost a relief.

"You been smoking with someone else, Kid?"

Connor shook his head, "Dad took it all when I was in the hospital a few days ago."

Tyler didn't ask what had happened, and Connor was glad.

"Smoke in the basement or the living room?"

"Basement."

* * *

Connor was still high as a kite when he got home, a sandwich bag of marijuana hidden in the front pocket of his sweater. Cynthia was sitting at the dining room table when he walked in, head in her hands. She looked up when the door closed and smiled tiredly at him.

"Hey, Connor. Did you have fun, Honey?"

Connor nearly choked on his words. His mouth was too dry. "It was alright. Where were you earlier?"

"One of my friends was having a problem with her son. It was that boy, from the other day. Evan Hansen?"

Connor stood up straighter. "What happened?"

"He had an attack and passed out. His mom was having car troubles and she needed me to give them a ride to the hospital."

Connor couldn't stop himself from asking, "Is he alright?"

"Much better now. He hit his head, but there's no real damage. His mom said it seemed like a mix of a panic attack and exhaustion. Apparently, he hasn't been sleeping too well."

Connor sighed. This Hansen kid was getting more relateable every day. "That sucks. I'm heading back up to my room. I'm still feeling under the weather."

That wasn't a lie. The withdrawal symptoms had been chased away for now, but the nausea from the night before was coming back with a vengeance, and he was beginning to feel feverish again. 

Cynthia gave him a sympathetic smile. "Get lots of rest, Honey."

Connor nodded, walking up the stairs. Zoe opened her door as he walked past, then closed it again as soon as she saw him. He closed his own door a little too hard, shrugging out of his sweater and lying down on his bed. The blankets would have been hellish right now, so he remained above them, kicking off his shoes so that they hit the wall on the other side of the room. His weed was still in the sweater pocket, but he couldn't be bothered to put it away somewhere. He quietly slipped into unconsciousness, the familiar light-headedness of the drug in his system relieving all the stress that would have prevented him from it otherwise.

* * *

Evan got home at seven o'clock, Saturday night. He was swimming in guilt, feeling horrible for causing his mom even more expenses. She didn't seem mad, but Evan was sure that she was upset with him.

"I'm sorry mom," he whispered, holding his arms tightly.

"It's alright Evan. I just wish you had told me that you were having trouble sleeping. We could have found you a sleep aid."

Evan bit back a reply,  _Sleep aids are too expensive._

She sighed, then gave him a tired smile. 

"I already took the day off of work. Do you want to watch a movie?"

Evan nodded, ignoring how heavy his eyelids felt. "Sounds fun." 

* * *

Connor woke to Larry and Cynthia arguing. They weren't loud enough for him to hear their conversation, but he had a feeling it was about him. He had beyond slept off the high, but he wasn't quite ready to smoke anymore. He decided he would be better off grabbing something to eat and going back to sleep. Rolling off the bed, he got to his feet, leaving the room and making his way downstairs.

"Larry, think this through. He needs therapy!"

"He tried therapy! It didn't work! Just move on, Cynthia. There's nothing we can do for him but beat some sense into him."

Connor froze outside the kitchen door, listening silently.

"This is our  **son**. I am  **never** giving up on him."

Connor decided to interupt, before he heard something he didn't want to. He let the door hit the wall as he walked in, and they both froze and looked up at him, but he ignored them both, switching on the electric kettle to boil some water for ramen.

"What have you been doing all day, Connor?" Larry's tone was accusatory, and Connor sighed. He really wasn't in the mood to argue.

"Went out and met a friend. Came home and slept. I'm sick, if you hadn't noticed."

That came out a bit too sharp.

"Watch your tone," Larry said, just as sharply. "And why would I believe that you're sick?"

Cynthia smacked his arm, "Larry, he was throwing up all night last night. You can't possibly believe he was faking."

"Maybe he was 'developing' another 'disorder'. I've heard bulimia is common with 'depressed' teenagers." His tone was dripping sarcasm, and Cynthia gasped and looked at him with disgust. Connor felt disgust churning in his stomach as well, and he scowled.

"Larry! That is nothing to joke about!"

The kettle switched off, and Connor turned back to his ramen, pouring the water into the cup and grabbing a fork.

"Where do you think you're going, young man?"

Connor took a deep breath and feigned politeness. "I'm going to eat this in my room and go back to bed. I want to sleep off this sickness so I can go back to school on Monday."

Larry frowned deeply, but let him pass. Connor hated him intensely then, and he flipped Larry off the second his back was turned, then walked back up the stairs.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate to sound like I'm desperate for comments, but I'm desperate for comments. They make my day, and I really appreciate them. :D
> 
> Also, I don't own DEH.


	8. Hello, Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is healthy again. Evan just wants everyone to calm down. Jared needs to STAHP.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You think I'm a freak?
> 
> I'm not the freak.
> 
> You're the fucking freak."

Zoe had arranged a tutoring session for Sunday morning, but Cynthia had her cancel it when Connor woke and threw up again. The ramen from the previous night came back with a vengeance, and Connor vowed he'd never eat instant ramen again. Cynthia held his hair and massaged his shoulders and was generally wonderful, and Connor leaned on her just a bit, letting her feel needed for a change. 

Larry walked past the bathroom, saw Connor throw up, and scoffed, walking downstairs. Connor's stomach was empty again by ten, and he went back to bed (with a bucket nearby, just in case), listening to the sounds of his family going through their routines without him. Zoe left to go to a friend's house around eleven, and Larry went in for a late shift at one. Cynthia moved around downstairs, doing dishes and cleaning counters, and the sound of her puttering around was quiet enough to sleep through, which Connor did gladly.

Cynthia came and woke him up at four to take his temperature, and she found that it had gone down to ninety-nine. Connor was glad for that at least, and when she left to start dinner, he finally roused himself again. He felt sweaty and overheated, so he made his way to the bathroom, taking a nice cool shower before being overcome with vertigo and dry-heaving into the toilet, barely managing to make it back to his bed.

Time continued to pass, but for Connor, it was more of a fever-induced blur.

* * *

The next time he woke for real, it was Monday morning, and he was starving. He got dressed slowly, his body still sore from days of illness, pulling on black jeans and a My Chemical Romance shirt, then pulling his sweater on over it and trudging to the dining room. Cynthia had made pancakes, and he grabbed one, eating it quickly and hurrying back upstairs to get his stuff. 

The drive to school, alone in a car that wasn't meant for one person, seemed shorter than it was, and before he knew it, he was there. He checked his watch, sighing as he did. Seven forty. Fifteen minutes to go. 

He went to his locker, grabbing his books and making a slow path to his first period. He was lost in thoughts, not watching where he was going, when he turned a corner and slammed into someone, hard. Hansen. He took a step back, wincing, and Hansen did the same.

"Sorry-"

"No, it was totally my fault," Evan said quickly, "I never look where I'm going. I'm really sorry."

Connor sighed. "It's fine."

"Oh! That reminds me," Evan pulled his backpack around in front of him, opening it and digging through, continuing to talk as he did, "My mom wanted me to give this to you, for you to give to your mom. To thank her for the other day."

He handed Connor a thank you card with a twenty tucked inside, with "For gas!" written on the inside. He arranged his face into a small smile. 

"Thanks, I'll give it to her." He almost walked away, but couldn't stop himself from asking, "Are you feeling better?"

Evan shifted from casual to awkward in .07 seconds, and Connor regretted asking immediately.

"Y-yeah, I'm much better. My head was pretty sore, but, uh, it's fine now."

The bell rang, saving Connor from having to continue that awkward conversation, and he hurried to first period.

* * *

Evan sighed as he found a seat, pulling his lunch from his backpack and starting to eat. The cafeteria was always crowded, but the class before lunch was near it, so he could almost always find a seat, eat, and get out before too many people showed up. Normally Jared would have sat with him, but he was still mad from Friday. Evan could see him across the room, chatting away with Alana Beck. 

His eyes found Connor walking in, taller than most of the people around him. He found his own table, a few away, and just sat, fidgeting with his hands. Part of Evan told him to go over and sit with him, instead of sitting by himself, but the other part panicked at the thought. Evan stayed where he was.

He finished his sandwich, about to get up and leave when he saw Jared get up, striding across the room towards Connor. Evan froze. This couldn't be good.

"Hey, Murphy!" Jared said, seeming friendly enough. He slammed his hands down on the table and both Evan and Connor flinched. "I've decided to forget about Friday, alright? We can leave that whole thing behind us." Connor raised a brow- Evan could see from there, Connor's face was the epitome of _'_ _Oh really?'_. 

"On one condition," Jared continued, and Evan frowned. He rarely saw Jared look so threatening. The thought of Jared, who he'd known since diapers, threatening _Connor Murphy_  would have been laughable a year ago. But now... 

Evan got to his feet, standing behind his chair and waiting to see if he should intervene.

"Why would I do a thing for you, Kleinman," Connor said smoothly, "when you were the one who hit me?"

Jared laughed. "Don't fuck with me, Murphy. I saw you and your parents. Your dad doesn't trust you. I could do anything, and he'd shift the blame to you."

Connor clenched his fists at his side and Evan gripped the back of his chair. This wasn't going well.

"Fuck off, Kleinman." Connor's voice was low, he grabbed his messenger bag and turned around, starting to walk away. Evan moved toward Jared, something telling him that he needed to be _right there_. Jared reached for Connor's shoulder, jerking him around so they were face to face. Connor's expression dropped from casual to furious in a second, and he pulled his arm back, about to knock Kleinman's glasses right off his smug face. 

And then Evan was between them, one hand holding Connor's fist and the other on Jared's shoulder. Connor tried to swing with his left hand, and Evan let go of Jared to hold that too.

"Woahwoahwoahwoahwoah, caaaaalm down, Connor."

Connor tried to pull back, protesting loudly, "But he-!"

"He's goading you," Evan said calmly, lowering Connor's clenched fists to his sides. Connor relaxed, and Evan let him go. "Let's go get some air," Evan murmured, pausing to look at Jared, who was seething.

"Oh, so now you're on his side?" Jared hissed, and Evan frowned. 

"I'm only siding against you because you're being a jerk, alright? Just back off."

Evan immediately winced at what he's said, but Jared just scoffed at him.

"Fine. I see how it is."

Evan was about to say something back- he hadn't quite decided what yet- when he suddenly realized how many eyes were on him. He felt blood rushing to his face and he hurried to where Connor stood, a few feet away. He led the taller boy out, pausing for a second to grab his backpack, sighing as the cafeteria doors closed behind him. The courtyard had fewer people, but it wasn't empty enough. Evan kept walking, not stopping until he found an unoccupied bench a few hundred feet away, which he sank down onto gratefully. Connor sat beside him, slouching low and crossing his arms over his chest with a sigh.

Evan held his head in his hands for a second, waiting for his face to stop flaming, then he sat up straight, fixing his hair and running his hands over his face.

"Thanks," Connor said softly, looking at his shoes. "I, uh... probably would have done something dumb."

"No problem," Evan said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. He paused for a moment, closing his eyes, before he said, "Sorry about Jared. He's, uh... usually not this bad."

Connor raised his eyes, looking at Evan with a small frown. "I don't know if I can believe that."

"Well," Evan answered with a sigh, "He used to be better. Recently..."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Evan picking at his cast, and Connor fidgeting with his hands before the bell rang and they both stood up.

"Uh... where are you headed?" Evan asked tentatively.

Connor debated for a moment, before deciding to go to class. "217."

"Oh, Ms. Hicks? I have her first period. I'm headed to 220, do you want to...?"

"Sure," Connor said, giving him a small smile.

* * *

Connor flopped down on the driver's seat of his car, tossing his messenger bag onto the passenger seat beside him. The day had been long, and stressful, but he'd made it through all his classes and he could finally go home. He started the car, rolling the windows down and turning to radio's volume up as his as he could stand, so that some belty song he'd never heard before blasted through the parking lot. He backed out of his parking spot, getting lost in the music. He drove for few minutes, tapping his thumbs on the steering wheel, until he spotted a familiar figure, walking at the edge of the road. Hansen.

He debated for a moment, before turning down his music and pulling up next to him. 

"Hey Hansen, you want a ride?"

Evan jumped, turning to look at him. Connor could see him thinking about it for a moment, seeming to consider the pros and cons, before he said, "As long as it's not too much trouble..."

Connor jerked his thumb toward the passenger seat. "Get in." He reached over and grabbed his bag quickly, tossing it into the back so that Evan could sit down. Once he did and they were both situated, he steered them back onto the road, rolling up the windows and turning on the AC, for Evan's sake. Neither of them was much for conversation, but the quiet music made the silence comfortable.

Evan gave him directions to his house, and Evan thanked him profusely before half-running up to the door. Connor could feel himself smiling at the other boy. This was different. Something about Evan was making Connor different. And he wasn't sure how to feel about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not as proud of this chapter, but it was a necessary evil. Have to move the story along somehow! The quote doesn't really match the chapter as well this time, but I'm saving the one that would have worked better for another chapter. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Again, I really love comments, and I do my best to reply to them all. Also, 100 kudos??? And 900 hits??? Thank you guys so much for supporting the story, it means the world to me!


	9. Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared has issues. (Really though, is there anyone in this story that doesn't?) Evan is smol. Connor's trying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I see him come to get me.
> 
> He's come to get me.
> 
> And everything's okay."

Tuesday morning was uneventful, which Connor was glad for. Larry was still in bed after taking a late shift the night before, so breakfast was quiet. Zoe was still mad at him, but she seemed to have thawed a bit. While she didn't talk to him, she acknowledged him, and was generally polite. It was progress.

First and second period went fast, and when nutrition rolled around he was glad to relax for a few minutes. He never ate at nutrition, so he distracted himself with his hands, picking at the already chipped polish on his nails. He would need to repaint them soon, but he never remembered when it was convenient. Ten minutes later he was forcefully dragged from his thoughts by Kleinman standing over him, glaring. The other boy was livid, and Connor was immediately on edge. 

"Fuck off, Kleiman," he muttered, grabbing his bag and getting ready to walk away. He wasn't in the mood for a fight today. Jared grabbed him by his collar, pulling him close to his face. His eyes were red-rimmed, and Connor wondered for a brief second why, before Kleinman answered the question for him.

"Listen, because I'm only going to say this once." People were staring, and Connor's stomach twisted unpleasantly. Jared kept his voice low, so that no one in the gathering crowd could hear him. "Evan is _my_  friend, and I'm not going to let you take him away from me."

"I'm not trying to-"

"Don't bullshit me, Murphy. I see what you're doing. You may have him wrapped around your little finger right now, but he'll figure out what you really are soon enough, and then he'll come running back to me."

Connor stiffened, and suddenly his surroundings were gone. The whispers around them faded, and he heard nothing but his own heartbeat as he asked, "And what exactly am I, _Kleinman_?"

Jared smirked, "You're a psychopath. And a fucking _freak_!"

Connor's heart was beating faster, he was shaking, breathing faster, and _dear God_  it took all of his self-control not to knock Kleinman over right then and there. 

"You don't get to call me that, when you're-"

Suddenly Evan was there, pushing Jared away from him. Connor tried to stop his shaking, calm himself down, but he couldn't. Kleinman's voice was in his head, chanting _freak, freak, freak,_  and rage burned in the pit of his stomach. 

"What are you doing, Jared? What did he do to you?"

Evan was shaking too, though Connor suspected it was for a different reason.

"Since when do you defend freaks, Evan?"

Both Evan and Connor flinched, and Evan had to put a hand on Connor's chest to keep him from stepping forward. 

"Stop, both of you." Evan's voice was higher than normal, tinged with something Connor couldn't identify. He watched quietly, unclenching his fists one finger at a time, as the other boy turned his attention back to Jared.

"You can't take your problems out on other people." Jared's face fell, and Evan continued. "Connor has nothing to do with them."

"But you-!"

The bell rang, and the crowd diminished. Jared scowled and walked away, headed for his third period. Evan and Connor were left alone, both frozen. 

They stayed that way for a full thirty seconds before Evan whipped around, pulling his hand away from Connor to wrap his arms around himself. 

"Get me out of here. Please." He sounded desperate, and Connor nodded. He gestured to Evan to follow him, leading him to the parking lot. They sat down in the front seat of Connor's car, and Evan buried his head in his hands as they both tried to calm down. Connor found it easier to reign himself in when faced with Evan and whatever attack he was having, and in a moment he felt like he had come back to himself. 

"Do you want to go somewhere?" he asked. "I'm all for ditching."

Evan lifted his head for a moment, looking at Connor with wild eyes. "Home. Take me home."

Connor nodded, strapping in and starting the car. Evan fumbled with his own seatbelt for a moment, pulling his knees to his chest after he succeeded. 

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to do this for me."

Connor looked at him for a moment. He seemed to be trying to make himself as small as possible. 

"It's no problem. You came and saved my ass again. You didn't have to do that."

"Yes, I did."

Connor sighed, moving his hair out of his eyes. 

"Do you want to get some food before I take you home?"

Evan looked up at him. His eyes were as red-rimmed as Jared's had been, and Connor felt a pang of guilt for causing the situation. 

"What kind of food?"

"Just some McDonalds or something. Drive-thru." 

"Can I just get some fries?"

Connor nodded, switching lanes accordingly. He debated his options as he drove. Finally, he asked, "How close are you and Jared?"

Evan looked up again, relaxing a bit. "We're fr- family friends. He hangs out with me so his parents will pay for his car insurance. We usually play video games at his house a few times a week, but recently... well, you've seen."

"He, ah... He thinks I'm trying to tear you guys apart."

"He does?" Evan asked sharply.

"Yeah. That's what that whole thing earlier was about."

Evan seemed more relaxed now, Connor noticed. 

"He's... difficult sometimes. He has a hard time with social things. I mean, _I_ can't talk about social situations, but he's... he needs help sometimes."

"What do you mean?" Connor knew he was prying, but he was too curious not to ask. 

"Oh. I have, uh... severe social anxiety."

Connor nodded. That explained a lot. He prepared himself, before saying, "I have psychotic depression. I think there might be some other anger problems on top of that, but I'm not sure."

Evan looked over at him, as if considering this new information. 

Connor pulled into the drive-thru, and the conversation ended abruptly as he placed their order. He pulled up to the window and paid, then turned to Evan as they waited for their food. 

"Look, I know it's none of my business, but why you still hang around with Kleinman when he treats you like shit?"

"He doesn't mean it... or at least I don't think he does. But he's going through a lot, and I can't blame him for lashing out a bit."

Connor took a breath to answer, but the drive-thru window opened and the woman running it handed the food, effectively cutting him off. He handed Evan his fries and pulled back out into traffic. Evan's house was only a few minutes away, and they both were relieved when they got there. Evan grabbed his bag and his fries, getting out and pausing, looking back at Connor.

"Doyouwannabefriends?" He asked quickly. Connor blinked, opening his mouth and closing it again. He wasn't quite sure how to respond.

"No, I'm sorry, that was dumb, I-"

"Evan," Connor said, cutting off his rambling before it started, "I would _love_  to be friends."

Evan sighed shakily, a smile overtaking his features. "Really? Oh, wow. Thanks. Um... Here." He handed him a piece of paper from his pocket. "My phone number. I mean, if you don't want to text me it's fine, I just-"

Connor grinned. "I got my phone taken away, but I should have it back by Friday. I'll text you then, alright?"

Evan beamed. "A-alright."

He closed the car door and walked up to his house, and Connor tried hard to wipe the grin off his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, the summary for this chapter is so bad. I know that Connor doesn't have Psychotic Depression in canon, but that's my personal headcanon. Also, I kind of feel like this chapter mirrored the last one too much? Like am I being paranoid, or did you guys notice that too?
> 
> Last thing: Please comment? I'm desperate. XD


	10. Tutoring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan finally talk about what happened on the first day of school. Zoe and Alana are gayer than usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Were you friends with Connor, too?"
> 
> "Acquaintances. But close acquaintances."

The next few days were simultaneously some of the best and worst of Connor's life. Hardly a minute would pass in the Murphy household before  _someone_ was yelling. Larry fought with Zoe, and Cynthia jumped to Zoe's defense, and when Larry lost the fight he was so irritable that he almost always took it out on Connor. Then Cynthia would defend Connor, and Zoe would take someone's side- she hated Connor and Larry equally these days- and then... well, you get the idea.

If home had been unpleasant before, now it was some sort of personal hell. 

But at school, Connor had Evan, and that made things much better. Connor wasn't used to having friends, and he didn't think Evan was either. So far, though, the relationship seemed to be good for both of them. They didn't have any classes together, but their fourth and fifth periods were close enough for them to walk to them together, they hung out at break and lunch, and Connor gave Evan a ride home most days. Zoe seemed to notice, staring whenever they passed in the halls, but she didn't mention it.

It took until Friday for Connor to ask about the letter. He'd sort of forgotten about it until then, but when he saw Evan typing another one on his phone as he drove him home the memory came rushing back.

"They're assignments from my therapist," Evan explained, staring intently at his clenched fists, resting in his lap. "I'm supposed to write a letter daily and list the reasons why this day is going to be good. Then I give them to him at my appointments and he does his therapist-y things with them."

"So that letter from the other day was...?"

"Yeah. It was kind of supposed to be a private thing, but then... well, you know."

Connor frowned. "Sorry, I guess. I was just, sort of... I saw Zoe's name on there, and I freaked out. It was a dick move."

"No, it's okay. It's my fault, I shouldn't have-"

"Stop doing that."

Evan went silent. Connor did too. They were nearly to Evan's house when Connor asked, "Do you...  _like_... my sister?"

Evan tensed, immediately starting to fidget. "Well, uh... sort of?"

Connor raised an eyebrow. "What does 'sort of' mean?"

"I... I really liked her last year. But now... I don't know. It's sort of going away?"

Somehow Connor felt relieved. It would just be awkward for everyone for Evan to be crushing on his sister. 

He pulled into Evan's driveway, turning to look at him as he gathered his things.

"I'm getting my phone back today. I'll text you as soon as I can."

Evan smiled. "Okay. I'll see you on Monday."

"Bye."

Evan got out of the car, and Connor didn't back out of the driveway until he had closed his front door behind him.

* * *

Everything was silent when Connor got home. It was strange, but he tried to ignore it. His phone came first.

"L- Dad?" he called, still standing in the entryway. 

"In the office!" Larry called back. Connor sighed and walked down the hall to his father's office. When he and Zoe were younger, they hadn't been allowed in the office. Larry didn't trust them not to make a mess of his papers. Back then it had been forbidden fruit, and he and Zoe had made a game of sneaking in while their father was working, trying to get him to leave the room. But now the office just put him on edge, because that was where his parents talked to him when he was in major trouble. After fights, or when his grades got too low. (They made a big deal over his grades after he failed a class in sophomore year, but it was only P.E., and he made up for it by taking a zero period all through junior year.)

The door was open a crack, and he pushed it open the rest of the way, moving to stand in the middle of the room.

"What is it, Connor?" Larry didn't even look up. He sounded tired.

"It's Friday. Can I have my phone back?"

Larry looked up at him as if trying to figure him out. This continued for at least a minute before Larry pulled open his desk drawer and handed Connor his phone. "Don't make me have to take it again."

Connor scowled. "I won't."

He was pretty sure they both knew it was a lie.

* * *

Connor flopped down on his bed, plugging in his phone and grabbing the paper with Evan's phone number. He saved the contact in his phone and sent a quick message.

**You: hey, its connor. i got my phone back**

Evan responded a few seconds later.

**Evan: Hey, what's up?**

**You: not much, just**

Zoe was yelling downstairs. He tried to focus on sending the text.

**You: not, much, just sitting around. whats up with you?**

**Evan: Doing homework :/**

"It's not  _your_ choice, Dad! This is  _my_ life!"

"As long as you live under my roof, what you do is for me to decide!"

**You: that sucks. i have to meet with a tutor later today, so im saving it**

**Evan: Tutor? That sucks.**

**You: i think you know her? alana beck?**

**Evan: Oh yeah. I'm not surprised she's a tutor. She does EVERYTHING.**

"YOU WATCH YOUR TONE!" Larry roared. Connor flinched hard, forcing himself to take deep breaths. 

**You: well it's lucky she does, or id be stuck doing tutoring in the library with mrs fucking simmons**

Mrs. Simmons was an elderly English teacher, and she spent her afternoons tutoring in the school's library. She'd never had a student that didn't hate her, Connor included. He'd been in her class in Freshman year, and that was the year his English grade dropped from satisfactory to abysmal. 

**Evan: Well, good luck. I have to go. Therapy today :/**

**You: have fun?**

"IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS WHO I WANT TO DATE!"

"IT IS IF YOU'RE DATING ANOTHER GIRL!"

Connor put his phone to the side and covered his ears. God, this was just a panic attack waiting to happen.

"WE AREN'T EVEN DATING! SHE'S JUST A FRIEND!"

Connor pulled his headphones out of his pocket with shaking hands, putting them in and picking a random song, then turning it up so loud that his ears ached. It was enough to stop the screams, but not the tears. He didn't bother to wipe them away, just flopped down on his bed and let them run down his face and into his hair. It didn't matter anyway.

* * *

His eyes had been closed, and the music was still blasting, so it took Zoe nudging his shoulder to bring him out of his daze. He had been half-asleep, somehow, but now he was  _wide_ awake. He pulled the earphones out and blinked up at her, adjusting to the sudden silence.

"What do you want?"

"Alana's here. Mom wants you guys to do homework in the den."

"Right." He could still hear the music, and Zoe could too. She scowled at him.

"Are you trying to deafen yourself?"

"Would you care if I did?"

He grabbed his textbook and his bag and trudged down the stairs, finding Alana Beck sitting very awkwardly on the couch. She was wearing a floral dress with a blazer over it, and Connor was positive that wasn't what she'd been wearing earlier. She looked up at him when he walked in, smiling nervously. Her glasses slipped down her nose.

"Connor! Hi!"

"Hey."

He dropped down on the couch beside her, putting his book on the table, and fishing his binder out of his backpack.

"Do you have a lot of homework?" She asked, gripping her knees tightly.

"Not really. Just Math."

"That's good. I, erm... oh..."

Connor turned around to find Zoe on the stairs, holding the neck of her guitar in one hand and a music book in the other. She'd tied her hair back, and changed into a dress. 

"Can I practice in here? I won't be too loud..."

Connor nodded, looking back and forth between the two girls. Alana was spellbound, and Zoe was blushing pink.

 _Oh._ Connor smiled.  _Alana_ must have been the friend Zoe had been hanging out with for the last few weeks. Zoe must have seen the look on his face, because she scowled at him.

"Right..." Alana said, "Um... we should probably get started."

Connor pulled a piece of paper out of his binder and opened the book, looking over at Alana. He looked at the problem and started working. He understood it well enough, and Alana and Zoe were clearly in the middle of their own thing. (The reason for his low grades was less about understanding and more about trying.) (Math was actually one of his best subjects, not that his parents or teachers knew that.)

Zoe played the opening chords of whatever song she was practicing, and both Connor and Alana's nerves seemed to fade away. Connor turned his attention back to his math homework.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The slow-burn is killing me! I just want to skip to the dating part already! (ಥ﹏ಥ)


	11. Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Zoe finally start talking again. Connor is very depressed. Evan and Connor bond over their shitty dads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I don't have a quote for this chapter, I just want to get it done. Something big is happening in the next chapter, and I want to write in RIGHT NOW.) (I'll add one later.)

Connor was sitting on his bed texting Evan the next day, when Zoe came in, leaning against his doorframe.

"What's up with you and Evan Hansen?"

He looked up at her, raising a brow. "I thought you weren't talking to me."

"I wasn't. And now I am. What's up with you and Evan Hansen?"

He sighed, crossing his arms and tucking his phone into his pocket, and answered her cautiously, "We're friends."

"Just friends?" She dropped down on his bed next to him, leaning against the footboard and bringing her knees up to her chest. There was genuine curiosity gleaming in her eyes, and Connor was immediately on edge. Zoe was too smart, and read people too well. And above that, she was the biggest gossip he'd ever met. 

" _Just_ friends." He repeated, watching her reaction carefully. Her shoulders slumped a bit, but she didn't seem ready to leave him alone. 

"What's up with you and Alana Beck?" He asked before she could say anything else. She immediately blushed scarlet, sighing and tipping her head back. He'd never seen her look so happy.

"She's so perfect, Con."

She hadn't called him that in months. She  _must_  have been happy.

"Are you two dating?"

"I think so." Zoe looked down. "But she's really closeted, and Dad's onto us, so we don't really do anything. But I took her to the orchard the other day, and..." She seemed to realize that she was rambling, because she stopped, looking at Connor closely.

"I think you're in love with Evan."

He tossed a pillow at her. "We're just friends. Jesus!"

Her brow arched delicately (he made the same expression on a daily basis, and it was almost comical to see it on her) and stood up. "Whatever you say. Oh, one more thing! What happened with that Kleinman kid?"

"Which time?" he deadpanned. 

"The second and third times I guess?"

"He tried to start a fight, and Evan made him back off."

"You didn't fight him?"

"No," Connor snapped, getting annoyed. "Did you expect me to?"

Zoe sighed. "No. I didn't. Dinner's in fifteen minutes." She closed the door behind her, walking back across the hall to her room. He went back to his texts.

* * *

"So," Cynthia said at dinner, "Are you talking to that Evan Hansen boy?"

Connor looked up at Zoe sharply, and she stuck her tongue out while Cynthia wasn't looking. "Yeah," Connor answered, scowling down at his plate.

"Are you two friends?" Cynthia asked it uncertainly, as if she was expecting the question to bother him. It did.

"I guess. We haven't known each other too long."

"Why are we only hearing about this now?" Larry asked, and Connor shrugged.

_Because I knew this would happen._

"Because I thought you guys would want to meet him, and he's not really up for that right now." This answer was equally honest. He was pretty sure the  _thought_ of having dinner with his family would give Evan a panic attack.

Cynthia didn't pry, but Larry did. "What does that mean?"

Zoe could see him starting to get irritated, and answered for him. "Evan's not too good with people, that's all. He's really nice though, I think you'd like him."

The tension eased out of the whole family, and Connor mouthed a  _thank you_ to her while their parents looked down at their plates.

* * *

Another week passed, and Connor should have known it couldn't last. Life had been too good. He woke up on Monday in one of the worst lows he'd ever been in. He didn't bother to get dressed, just got up to cross the hall and tell Cynthia he felt sick, then got back under the blankets. Zoe came in a few minutes before she left for school, but she didn't have anything to say and left after a few awkward seconds.

He wanted desperately to sleep, but he just lied there, staring at the ceiling. 

* * *

Evan texted him at nutrition- time had passed so slowly that it felt like days later- and he mustered up the energy to answer, even though he wanted desperately to ignore it.

**Evan: Where are you?**

**Evan: Sorry that sounded really needy.**

**Evan: Sorry, I'm being really annoying.**

**Evan: Sorry.**

**You: its fine. sorry for not being there**

**Evan: What's up?**

**Evan: Are you sick?**

**You: not really?? but sort of??**

**You: im just in a really shitty place rn and i couldnt come to school**

**You: its dumb**

**Evan: No, I get it. Do you want to do something, or do you want me to leave you be?**

**You: i want to stay in bed & stare at nothing all day, but doing something would probably be better for me. so.**

**Evan: Do you want to meet at Ellison Park and talk or something?**

**You: sounds good**

**Evan: Bell rang. See you later.**

Connor put his phone down, setting an alarm for two thirty and zoning out again.

* * *

Connor roused himself when the alarm went off, changing into a long sleeve and some jeans and leaving the house as soon as Cynthia was too busy to notice he was gone. He still felt numb and tired and wanted to go back to bed, but he forced himself to walk a mile to Ellison. It was way too hot for his hoodie, but he missed it desperately. He wanted to pull his clothes tight around him and vanish.

He met Evan near the entrance of the park, and Evan grinned as soon as he saw him.

"What's up?" he asked cautiously, and Connor shrugged. 

"I feel like... nothing. Kinda numb."

Evan frowned sympathetically. "I know this cool clearing, do you want to go talk there?"

Connor nodded, following Evan down the path. After about ten minutes Evan froze and Connor stopped next to him. Although it looked different in the daylight, they both knew that this was where Evan had found him, all those weeks ago. He felt something dark twist his stomach, and for a moment he remembered everything clearly. He grabbed Evan's hand blindly and Evan seemed to snap out of it, swearing under his breath as he pulled him forward, past the spot and past the memories. He came back to himself in a rush, stopping and dropping Evan's hand.

"I'm so sorry," Evan said immediately, "I shouldn't have brought you here, I'msosorry."

"It's okay," Connor said immediately, reassuring him, "I just wasn't expecting it, that's all. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I promise."

Evan still looked dubious, but he continued to lead the way down the path, and Connor followed gratefully. It took them almost ten more minutes to find the clearing, but it was worth the walk, Connor admitted. It was beautiful, with rays of golden sunlight shining between the leaves overhead, and wildflowers in abundance. He was breathless for a minute, taking it all in. 

"It's amazing," he whispered, and Evan beamed up at him. 

Evan stepped forward first, and Connor followed, taking a seat beside him under the biggest tree. This angle was- somehow- even more gorgeous, and it was a full minute before Connor could speak again.

"Do you like it?" Evan whispered.

"Yeah," Connor said, and he realized he meant it.

"I used to come here a lot when I was younger. It always cheers me up when I'm feeling really down. I thought it might help you."

It definitely had.

"I told my mom about you," Evan started suddenly, apologetically, "I think she wants to meet you now."

Connor frowned but nodded. "I think my parents want to meet you too. But you don't have to, if you don't want to."

"What are your parents like?"

"My mom's name is Cynthia, and she's generally alright. She tries to help me with all this shit, but she doesn't really get it. My dad is... Larry's an asshole, to be honest. He has no trust in me, and he's homophobic and possibly racist, and he cares more about his work and how other people see him than his fucking family."

"Homophobic? Really?"

Connor nodded, looking away. 

"I don't think I want to meet your parents then."

Connor looked up at him. "Are you gay?"

Evan seemed to realize what he'd said, because his face flamed. "Bi, actually. Are you?"

"I'm gay, yeah."

Evan nodded to himself. 

"Are your parents okay with it?"

"My mom is. I don't know about my dad. I haven't seen him since I was a kid. Something tells me he wouldn't be though."

Connor sighed. "Dads suck."

Evan nodded, and the two smiled at each other.

* * *

It was another few days before Connor was feeling good again (or as close as he came to it). He went back to school on Thursday- though he probably should have waited another day- and the rest of the week passed smoothly. He and Evan decided that he would have dinner at the Hansens' on Sunday, and Evan could come over and meet his parents casually on the Tuesday after that. When he went home that day, Connor was happy. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something big is about to happen! Prepare yourselves!


	12. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some wild shit goes down. That's all I'm going to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no quote, I'm sorry. I was going to post this chapter days ago, but life got in the way. I'm very close to the fires in Southern California, and I didn't have power for a while. Besides that, the stress of everything has kept me from writing. But now I'm out of any immediate danger, and (hopefully) updates will be closer together.
> 
> [Trigger warning for homophobia and violence in this chapter.]

Over the next few days, Connor slowly realized how loudly Zoe could yell if she wanted to. She and Larry fought constantly. It all came to a climax on Sunday, with a screaming match at the top of the stairs after Larry walked in on her kissing Alana Beck on her bed during what was supposed to be another tutoring session for Connor. Connor was down in the kitchen, getting a snack, when Alana ran past him and out the door, closing it hard behind her. He left the sandwich he's been making, pausing in the kitchen doorway to watch them scream at each other, a strange sense of dread settling in his stomach. 

"I thought I raised you better than this!" Larry shouted, voice shaking with fury.

"Better than what, Dad?"

"You know damn well what! Kissing your brother's tutor! Kissing a girl, for Christ's sake!"

"Who I love isn't my choice!"

"As long as you live under my roof, you live by my rules!"

Zoe turned bright red, grabbing Larry's arm and screaming right in his face. "You're my DAD! You're supposed to love me no matter what!"

Larry shoved her backward, into empty air. Connor and Larry both watched, horrified, as Zoe fell, hitting her head  **hard** on a step- a _CRACK!_ resounded through the silence- and tumbling down with a series of sickening thumps. She hit the bottom with a quiet moan, and Connor watched in horror as blood spread out from the back of her head. 

He couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. But he forced himself into motion, moving forward and dropping down next to her, because this was Zoe, this was his  _little sister_ , and he should never have let it get this far.

"Zo," he said softly, "Zo, can you hear me?"

She didn't stir, and Connor forced back bile. He heard Larry step down the stairs, and he looked up, rage nearly blinding him.

"Get away from her!"

He pulled out his phone. 

"Connor, this isn't your-"

"Call nine-one-one right now, and if you don't back off, then I'll tell everyone that you pushed her."

Larry went white and dialed, and Connor looked back to his phone, calling a different number.

The phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times.

"Hello?"

Connor sighed.

"Hey, Evan. I'm sorry, I know you don't like talking on the phone. I'll make this quick, alright?"

Evan must have heard the panic in his voice. 

"What's wrong?"

"It's Zoe, she- she fell down the stairs. She's bleeding a lot, and I-"

"Did you call nine-one-one?"

"Larry is. I just- I'm freaking out, Evan."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"Meet us at the hospital?"

"Okay," Evan said, and then again, "Okay."

He pulled the phone away from his ear for a moment, and Connor faintly heard him say, "Mom? I need a ride somewhere, it's an emergency."

He listened to Evan's voice, jumping with nerves, but when he put the phone back to his ear, it sounded steady. 

"Alright, we can't leave for a few more minutes. I'll see you soon though, okay?"

"Okay," Connor whispered, hating how hard he was shaking. 

"Do you want me to stay on the line?"

He heard the siren outside, and Connor sighed, "No. They're here now. I'll see you soon."

"See you," Evan said softly.

Connor pulled the phone away from his ear and slid it into his pocket, getting up and opening the door as paramedics jogged up the driveway. His mouth felt dry, and he could only gesture to where Zoe lay on the floor, too still. They asked him and Larry a few questions. How high did she fall from? What was she doing, prior to the fall? Did she have any previous head injuries?

They loaded her onto a gurney and wheeled her out, leaving Connor and Larry alone for a moment. Connor turned to face the older man, crossing his arms. 

"I'm going. You stay here. Call Mom. Clean up."

Larry opened his mouth, but Connor walked out the front door, slamming it behind him. They let him ride in the ambulance with her, and he watched her limp body with growing anxiety. She was rushed in for treatment the moment they arrived, and he was sent to the waiting room. He bounced his knee without realizing it, clenching his fists in his lap as he waited in tense silence.

The door opened, and he didn't look up, his eyes shut as tightly as he could force them. He stiffened as he heard Evan whisper, "Connor?"

His head snapped up, and in a moment he had flown across the room, colliding with Evan so hard that they nearly toppled to the floor. He hid his face in Evan's shoulder, clinging to him as tightly as he could. Evan hugged him back, holding him steady.

"Any news?" Evan asked softly, and Connor shook his head. 

"They took her in for treatment an hour ago. I don't know what's going to happen. She was- They were just-" He broke off with a groan and Evan intervened. 

"It's okay. Zoe will be fine. She's a fighter."

Connor pulled away slightly, still holding Evan's arm. "Can we- can we sit down?"

Evan nodded, sitting down next to Connor and letting the other lean on his shoulder. A woman in the doorway cleared her throat, and Connor and Evan both looked up.

"Oh. Connor, this is my mom."

Connor tried to smile, but he didn't have it in him. Heidi seemed to understand. She sat down on the other side of Evan and smiled at him. "Heidi Hansen. It's nice to finally meet you, though I wish the circumstances were better."

"Nice to meet you," Connor murmured, looking down.

The three sat in silence for a moment, before Cynthia appeared in the doorway as well, holding back tears. Connor was out of his chair in a second, hugging his mother tightly. She hugged him back, and they stood for a few seconds, holding on to each other in the waiting room doorway, before they broke apart, and sat back down. Connor held onto Cynthia and Evan, trying desperately not to cry.

"What happened, Connor?" Cynthia asked shakily, almost as if she didn't want to know.

"Dad caught her kissing Alana-" he felt Evan shift next to him- "and they were arguing at the top of the stairs. And then she grabbed his arm, and he kind of threw her off, she lost her balance, and then she just... fell."

Cynthia was frozen next to him, and he didn't blame her. She whispered, "Oh my god," under her breath, sounding hollow and tired.

"Have you heard anything?" He asked her, and she nodded.

"We should be able to visit in a half hour or so."

Connor grabbed Evan's hand, because seeing her was almost as terrifying as not seeing her, and he squeezed it reassuringly. For now, all they could do was wait.

* * *

It ended up being a full hour before they could see her. A full hour of hugging and hand-holding and biting back tears. Evan couldn't come in, and Heidi's shift had started, so he ended up staying in the waiting room. Connor hesitated for a minute at the thought of leaving Evan by himself here, but Evan gave him a reassuring smile and he forced himself to follow his mom down the hall and to Zoe's room. 

She was awake when they walked in, but dizzy and drowsy. 

"She's on a lot of drugs," a nurse explained, "and she seems to be recovering well."

The two sat down and Zoe looked up at them, frowning slightly.

"Mom. Connor. What happened?"

"You don't remember?" Cynthia asked softly.

"No, no," Zoe's brow furrowed. "I remember. But what I remember doesn't make sense. Did he really...?"

"He did," Connor said, voice shaking. Zoe turned to face him, looking at him like she was trying to figure him out.

"I remember hitting the stairs. And everything after that is buzzing." She gasped. "What happened to Alana? Did she leave?"

"She ran out right before everything happened. You should probably text her."

Zoe nodded, blinking sleepily and grabbing her phone. Her face fell when she saw it, and she immediately started typing. As soon as she sent the message she threw off the covers, and both Connor and Cynthia grabbed her shoulders, holding her still while she talked.

"Dad told 'Lana's parents. She needs- Oh my God."

"Slow down," Connor told her, dread settling over him as well. "From the beginning."

Zoe relaxed, laying back on the mattress and closing her eyes.

"Apparently Dad called Alana's parents as soon as you left with me. She said they argued for a while, and her parents gave her an hour to get out. She has nowhere to go, and she's freaking out, and she needs me. I have to go."

"You have to stay here," Cynthia said. "You're still recovering."

"But Alana-"

"I can borrow the car and pick her up if she needs it," Connor offered, and Zoe relaxed.

"Do you have her number?"

Connor nodded. She'd given it to him after a miscommunication with tutoring. 

"Okay. She lives over by the school, you can meet her there."

Cynthia handed Connor the keys, and he pocketed them, hurrying down the hall to the waiting room, where Evan was still sitting, reading on his phone. He looked up as Connor entered, putting his phone in his pocket.

"Come on. Alana needs help."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just reminding everyone that I don't own DEH. Also, please, everyone keep Southern California in your thoughts. The damage here is unbelievable.


	13. Visiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe's awake! Larry's a bigger dick than we thought. Connor is very gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes? What are those? (Pretty sure I'm giving up on the quotes.)

Evan followed Connor down the hall quickly, staying silent until they reached the car.

"What happened?" he asked, sitting in the passenger seat.

"After Larry caught Zoe and Alana kissing, he called and outed Alana to her parents. They kicked her out, and we're picking her up." Connor's voice shook with anger. When he looked over at Evan, he looked furious as well. 

"How could he-? What's  _wrong_ with him?"

Connor only sighed. "I should have known this would happen."

"Alana is none of his business, and he just-"

"You're preaching to the head of the choir, Ev," he muttered. "I don't think anyone hates Larry more than me. But there's nothing we can do."

Evan kept his fists clenched in his lap, and Connor gripped the wheel tightly. Neither of them spoke again until they stopped in the school's parking lot, where Alana stood with a duffel bag over her shoulder and suitcase in her hand. She got into the back wordlessly, strapping in and holding her arms tightly around her. Her eyes were red-rimmed but dry.

"I'm so sorry about my dad," Connor said immediately. "If I had known-"

"S'okay," Alana interrupted. Her voice sounded hollow. "Is Zoe okay?"

"She's fine. Hit her head pretty hard, but the doctor thinks she'll be alright."

"Did he really push her?"

Both Alana and Evan looked at him closely, and he sighed and muttered, "Yeah. He did."

The drive was quiet after that. In fact, none of them spoke until they reached the waiting room.

"Can I see her?" Alana asked quietly, wringing her hands.

Evan and Connor exchanged glances.

"My mom works here," Evan told her, not making eye contact. "She'll have them let you in."

Alana smiled, relieved.

"Are you fine staying back here by yourself?" Connor asked Evan. He's already said he was fine with it, but Connor felt bad.

"I'm fine. I've stayed here while my mom works plenty of times. Come let me know how she is though, okay?"

Connor nodded, turning and leading Alana back to the room. She was tense, and he couldn't blame her. They stopped outside the room and he looked at her closely. 

"Are you sure you want to go in there? You seem..."

"I'm fine, just-" She sighed, then half-whispered, "Is your dad in there?"

"He'd better not be. I don't think my mom or Zoe want him anywhere near them right now."

She visibly relaxed, and he pushed the door open, holding it for her. She crossed the room quickly, sitting down in a chair next to Cynthia. He let the door close and moved to lean against the wall on the other side of her bed.

"Are you alright?" Zoe and Alana asked at the same time, laughing afterward. They were both calmer, like being together soothed the emotions they were clearly drowning in. Zoe smiled, and she seemed to glow with happiness, because Alana was _here_. His phone buzzed, and he pulled it out of his pocket. It was Larry.

 **Larry:** Is your sister okay?

He ignored it, slipping the phone back into his pocket.

"Mom? You need to call Dad."

Cynthia frowned, but pulled out her phone and left the room. Connor stole her chair, sighing as he sat down. Zoe and Alana were silent, and he spoke softly. "How ya doing Zo?"

She almost smiled at him. "Physically? Alright. Emotionally? I don't know."

"Same," Connor and Alana said together, and suddenly the three were laughing. There was a touch of hysteria in it, and none of them could stop. They almost managed to compose themselves, but then Zoe snorted and they lost it again. Connor clutched his sides and leaned forward until his forehead was on the mattress, and Zoe pounded the bed with her fist. Cynthia came back in, smiling as she said, "What in the world?" And somehow that was hilarious.

It was a full five minutes before Connor could breathe again.

* * *

Connor left the room an hour later. He'd never been a big fan of hospitals, and the room was too cramped with the four of them in there. He stopped in the waiting room on his way out and found Evan still there, on his phone.

"Hey, Ev." Evan jumped, visibly shaken. "You want a ride home?"

He nodded, getting up and hurrying over to follow him out. Connor took a deep breath as he flopped down in the driver's seat, waiting for Evan to get in. He waited until they were on the road before speaking.

"Thanks. For being here. I'm sorry you had to sit in the waiting room the whole time."

"No big deal," Evan muttered, looking down. If he didn't know better, Connor could have sworn he was blushing. 

"Um- Are you going back to the hospital?"

"I don't think so. This is my mom's car, so I have to go back eventually, but she probably won't leave until visiting hours are over." 

"Alright, uh- Do you want to come over? I really don't want to go home to an empty house today."

Connor grinned. "Sounds cool."

It was a short drive to Evan's house, and they filled the silence with music. Connor tapped his thumbs on the steering wheel, and Evan tapped his feet to the beat, and it was a relief for both of them. 

* * *

After some careful deliberation, they decided to spend the afternoon on Evan's couch, watching Disney movies. Evan had all of the lesser known ones, and Connor immediately decided to watch Treasure Planet first. They grabbed blankets and pillows and curled up together. They ended up each on one side, with their legs tangled together in the middle. Evan seemed tired the whole time, like he was trying not to nod off, but he managed to stay up and enjoy the movie.

Connor got up to switch to the next movie (Brother Bear), and then flopped down again, pulling a blanket up to his chin and leaning back. It was the most comfortable couch he'd ever sat on, and he couldn't blame Evan for struggling to stay awake.

"Evan?"

"Hm?"

"I think I'm gonna fall asleep on your unnaturally comfortable couch."

"Mm."

"Bring your pillow over here." Evan scooted across the couch, handing Connor another pillow and lying down again. Connor put his head on the pillow and closed his eyes.

* * *

He woke to the credits rolling on screen and Evan lightly snoring against his collarbone. He tried for a moment, with his sleep-addled brain to figure out how they'd gotten that way, before he was distracted by another more urgent thought. A blush rose lightly on his cheeks, and his mind raced. 

 _I'm in love._ Followed quickly by another thought.  _Holy shit_.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! Now it's time for my favorite phase of slow burn: pining. (Prepare yourselves.) If you comment I'll legit love you forever, I love comments so much.


	14. Wishing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor finally talks to someone. (Also he hella gay but that's no the main point of the chapter.)

He shook Evan awake gently. He wasn't sure he could handle the close proximity until he figured out this crush. Evan was flustered, of course, and stammered out his apologies, but Connor was too distracted to listen. He couldn't be in love with Evan. He couldn't. Not with his best friend. God, this situation was shitty.

He was distracted from what was basically confused screaming in his head by his phone, which buzzed and showed Cynthia's name. He answered, cutting off Evan's rambling.

"Mom? What's up?"

" _I could ask you the same thing. Where are you?_ "

"At Evan's house."

" _Would it be too much for me to ask you to bring back my car?_ "

"Oh, shit, I forgot about that. I'll come back."

He hung up before she could say anything else, slipping the phone into his pocket and getting to his feet.

"Are you going?" Evan asked, worry and apologies still tinging his voice.

"Yeah. My mom needs the car."

"I'm really sorry for falling asleep on you, I-"

"It's fine, Evan."  _Trust me, I didn't mind it_. "Are we still having dinner here tomorrow?"

"Yeah. My mom got the day off, so she'll actually be able to make food."

Connor smiled, a little forced, but happy. "Alright. See you then."

He walked out the front door, his smile dropping as soon as he closed it behind him. He got in the car, starting it and pulling out into the road and losing himself in his thoughts.

There was nothing that would make a crush on Evan bad, per se. Evan was sweet, and smart, and funny, and _God_ , he was pretty. So far he was the only one who could calm him down during an episode (Or when he was on the brink of one anyway. He'd never been around Evan when he was having a real episode, and he hoped he never would be.). But the little confidence he had was fragile, like glass, and Connor was a fucking sledgehammer. No, the problems definitely weren't on Evan's side. 

And then there was the issue of Evan's crush on Zoe. Granted, he'd said it was waning, but they hadn't talked about it for a while, and for all he knew, it could have come back, full force. It made their entire situation painfully awkward. He couldn't fuck up the tiny hint of a relationship he had with his sister over this. And there was the Larry thing as well. He doubted Cynthia would let Larry do anything if he came out now, but that didn't mean he was any less terrified. And there were other ways for Larry to hurt him, without Cynthia realizing. Larry'd always been good at making Connor miserable without Cynthia realizing.

He pulled into the hospital parking lot, getting as close to the building as he could and getting out, pocketing the keys and walking up to Zoe's room. Alana was still there, and she, Zoe, and Cynthia seemed like they'd been gossiping. From Zoe's snicker, not quite silent enough, they definitely had.

"Nice of you to remember us," Zoe teased, crossing her arms.

He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. "I fell asleep at Evan's," he said, unapologetic. From their reactions, he could tell that he and Evan had been the subject of the gossip. He registered, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he would have been angry about that a few weeks ago.

"Are you getting out of here anytime soon?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Tomorrow morning, if nothing changes. They want to keep me overnight just in case, to make sure there aren't any extra problems."

He nodded. It made sense, there were a lot of things that could have happened because of that fall.

"Are we heading home, Mom?"

Cynthia nodded, picking up her purse but staying seated. "In a few minutes. And we're going to drop Alana off at her uncle's house first."

Connor sighed. It was good to know that Alana had somewhere to go. He almost wished he had somewhere as well. He zoned out for a few minutes, fidgetting with his hands, and when he came back to himself, Cynthia and Alana were on their feet and really to leave. He pushed off the wall, crossing the room to follow them. Zoe waved glumly, and he waved back, closing the door behind him.

He sat in the front, listening to Cynthia and Alana chatter about college. Neither of them tried to include him in the conversation, and he was glad. He had zero plans for college, and he didn't feel like getting into that conversation. If nothing else, he could go to community college and get his parents off his back. He wondered absently where Evan was going to college. He was smart enough to get at least a partial scholarship, Connor knew. He imagined sharing a dorm, waking up in the same room and walking to classes together, getting coffee at the little cafes that college novels always included and studying together. Staying up late talking and sharing kisses in the snow.

He stopped that thought there, because  _holy shit_ , and realized that he'd been out of it for almost ten minutes. Alana was just getting out, and he waved half-heartedly as she closed the door.

"What had you so distracted?" Cynthia asked, and he was so annoyed with himself that had to stop himself from snapping at her as he muttered, "Nothing."

Cynthia just laughed, like she knew  _exactly_ what he'd been thinking about, and for some reason that made him furious. His brain told him to stop, but apparently his brain and mouth were no longer connected, because then he did snap. "It's none of your fucking business."

Cynthia looked hurt, and she didn't say anything else, but he was already unbalanced, and he couldn't reign himself back in. He was shaking, he could feel it, and he clenched his fists in his lap. Cynthia had done nothing wrong. Logically, he knew that. But her frown made him unnaturally angry and before he knew what was happening he was shouting, spewing profanities because he was so fucking  _angry_ at Larry, and Cynthia, and  _himself_. This was all their fault, and he made sure Cynthia understood that.

She pulled over wordlessly, turning the car off and turning to face him as he caught his breath. And then he was crying, because damn it, he thought he was getting better, but the rage had returned and he felt so hopeless. She reached wordlessly across the center divider and pulled him close, so that he sobbed into her shoulder. And he hugged her back, because he needed this so bad that it hurt.

"I'm sorry," he whimpered, "I'm so fucking sorry."

"Shh." She ran her fingers through his hair, like she'd done when he was little, and he relaxed. "It's okay, Connor. I know you're struggling. It's not your fault."

He took a raspy breath, and the words came tumbling out. 

"I'm just so angry all the time, a-and I can't control myself. And I just- I feel like everyone would be better off if I just disappeared. And I hurt you, and Zoe, and I ruin everything I fucking touch, and I just-"

He couldn't continue, and Cynthia took a shaky breath before speaking. "I know. I know, Connor. It's okay. We'll be okay. I know you're trying. We'll figure this out." She took a breath before saying, "I think we've found you a therapist."

A few weeks ago the idea of therapy was enough to turn his stomach, but now he sobbed with relief. He was tired of being like this.

"They'll most likely recommend you some medicine, but it's up to you if you want to take it."

"I want to," he said immediately, and Cynthia sighed. 

"It's okay," she said again, and calm swept over him. He believed her. "We're okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so proud of my boy. He finally opened up to someone :)


	15. Dinner at Evan's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor goes to Evan's for dinner. Heidi is my queen. There's lots of talking! (I suck at summaries, sorry.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, my dudes! Someone asked about it on the last chapter, so here are my plans for Connor's diagnosis.
> 
> If you remember, I mentioned a few chapters ago that he had psychotic depression. I've decided that, while he believes that to be true, it isn't. It was true when he received his diagnosis, but not so much now. Psychotic depression can be taken care of relatively simply in most cases. But Connor didn't receive the proper treatment. So then it progressed into bipolar disorder. 
> 
> (Copied from WebMD: "...having one episode of psychotic depression increases the chance of bipolar disorder with recurring episodes of psychotic depression, mania, and even suicide.")
> 
> Hope that cleared some things up!

Zoe came home the next morning. They'd kept her under close observation and decided she was well enough, as long as she stayed in bed and got plenty of rest. She complained, but they all knew she was glad to be home. Connor stayed in his room for as long as he could, avoiding Larry like the plague. He had a feeling Larry was doing the same, locked in his office downstairs. He hadn't talked to either of his children since they'd left for the hospital. Which was good, because Connor was sure he would have blown up if he tried.

Cynthia was out shopping for the afternoon, leaving them to avoid each other.

Connor still planned to go to Evan's for dinner that night, which meant staying out of trouble. So he pulled out an old, half-empty sketchbook and spent the afternoon drawing. He had a pretty nice view from his window, looking out into the garden, and he took full advantage of it, doodling flowers until the sun started to set. It was around 5:30, and he needed to be at Evan's by six. 

Cynthia still wasn't home, and wouldn't be for an hour or so, so he checked on Zoe before he left. She was sound asleep. 

He'd almost made it to the door when Larry's voice cut through the silence of the house.

"Where do you think you're going, young man?"

He gritted his teeth and turned around, looking at Larry for a moment before he said, "To my friend's house. He invited me for dinner."

Larry raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest and asking, "Friend? Do I know him?" 

"Yes. It's Evan Hansen."

"From the hospital?"

Connor nodded, clenching his fists inside his sweater pocket. 

"Did you ask your mother?"

_I'm almost eighteen for fuck's sake._

"Yes. She says it fine."

Larry looked pensive for a second, then he shrugged. "Go ahead. Don't be back too late."

Connor nodded and left quickly, taking a second to breathe out in his car before he started it. It wouldn't do him any good to show up to Evan's house angry. He did enough of that at his own house. He let himself calm down some more on the drive over, breathing slowly, in for four, out for five, and before he long he found himself outside Evan's door. He took a breath to compose himself, then knocked quickly. 

Evan opened the door after a second or two. 

"Connor, hey. Hi. Um, come in."

Connor grinned, stepping inside and following Evan to the kitchen.

"Mom, Connor's here," Evan said, barely contained happiness seeping into his voice. 

Heidi turned around from where she stood at the stove and smiled at them. Her hair was pinned up in a messy bun with one chopstick and a pen, more falling out than staying up. She was dressed in blue nurse's scrubs, and she looked exhausted, but she managed to keep her tone cheerful when she said, "Hello again, Connor. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. Evan, why don't you take him to your room?"

"Okay," Evan said, leading Connor down the hall quickly. 

His room was small but cozy. There was a twin bed in one corner, the colorful bedspread drawing Connor's attention immediately. There was a desk on the other side, an old, beat up laptop sitting on top, open but not on, and the desk itself was covered in papers. There was a small dresser next to the desk, the top covered in books. There were a few pictures on the walls, and some on the desk, mostly of Evan and Jared, or Evan and his mom. There was one on the dresser as well, of Evan, Heidi, and a man who could only be Evan's father. Connor looked away from that one.

"You can sit down," Evan said, gesturing absently. Connor settled for the desk chair, not quite comfortable with sitting on the bed. Evan sat down on his bed, fidgetting absently.

"Are you nervous?" Connor asked, already knowing the answer.

Evan nodded. "I'm just not used to having people over. Besides Jared, I mean. And he hasn't been over since August."

Connor nodded, sympathetic. "Don't worry, I'm just as nervous. I haven't been over to someone's house since... first or second grade." 

He said it simply, like it didn't bother him. Which it did. A lot.

"Was that when...?"

"That's when the anger problems started setting in, yeah." Connor stopped for a moment, deciding if he wanted to keep talking or not. "I'm sure you've heard the printer story plenty from Kleinman. That was the first time. But even before that, I had trouble making friends."

"Me, too," Evan said, looking down at his hands.

"For a few years, it was fine. I still had Zoe, and a couple of neighborhood kids who I managed to stay calm around. But those kids' parents decided they didn't want them hanging out with me, and Zoe... well. I had that one coming."

He shrugged, his face going red as he slowly realized how much he'd said. "Shit, man, I just barfed words all over you. Sorry."

"It's fine," Evan said, smiling suddenly. Connor's stomach did a flip. "I like talking with you."

They both blinked at the statement, not sure what to make of it. Heidi called them before Evan could start stuttering. 

"Connor, Evan, dinner's ready!"

Evan led him back to the kitchen, where Heidi was just finishing setting food on the table. She'd made enough food for six, Connor noticed, but it smelled so good that Connor was sure he wouldn't mind seconds. She'd made pork chops, with applesauce and homemade biscuits to go with them. 

"It smells good, Mom," Evan said, grinning. Connor remembered Evan telling him that Heidi was rarely home to make dinner, so this must have been a rare experience for both of them.

Heidi had served them both already, and Connor sat down quickly, not realizing how hungry he'd been until now. He took a bite, his eyes widening. It was the best food he'd had in months, and incredibly tender. He swallowed quickly and said, "This tastes incredible, Ms. Hansen."

"Just Heidi. And thank you, Connor."

They finished their dinner in relative silence- both Connor and Evan went for seconds, and Connor only stopped himself from taking thirds because Heidi had been waiting for them to finish for the last ten minutes.

"Did you like it?" she asked, and they both nodded vigorously. Heidi smiled at them, taking their plates to the sink and turning on the water to wash them. Evan got up and grabbed a dish towel, but she shook her head.

"I'll do it tonight, Evan. Go have fun with your friend."

Evan nodded, putting the towel back and leading Connor back to his room.

"Um, what time do you have to be home?" 

Connor shrugged, looking at his watch. It was barely seven. "Larry just said 'Don't be back too late.' So I don't really know."

Evan nodded, tugging at a loose thread on his comforter. 

"What do you want to do?"

He shrugged again. "If you hadn't noticed yet, I'm a pretty boring guy."

Evan was silent for a minute, before he said, "We could just... talk. Like we were earlier. That was nice."

"What do you want to talk about?"

Evan shrugged, still not looking up. Finally, he asked, lightly, "Alana and Zoe, huh?"

Connor nodded. "I don't know when it started exactly. All I know is that one day Zoe was checking out some band kid, and the next, she was hanging out with Alana every day."

"Do you know Alana?" Evan asked. "Like, outside of the tutoring thing?"

"Not really."

"Oh. Well, I sort of do. They're a good match, I think."

Evan sounded wistful, and Connor wondered for a moment if he was thinking about Zoe. That stung a bit.

"Do you still, um-"  _Oh my God, Connor, SHUT UP_ \- "Do you still like my sister?"

Evan shook his head. "I'm pretty over it now. And it's not like I had a chance to begin with."

Connor nodded absently, relief soaring in his chest. He was about to say something, just to fill the godawful silence, when Evan blurted, "CanItellyousomething?"

He nodded, curiosity taking over.

"My dad texted me yesterday."

Connor blinked. He hadn't been expecting that.

"What did he say?"

Evan pulled out his phone, scrolling for a second before reading, "Evan. This is your dad. I know it's been a long time since we saw each other, and I have no right to try and come back after what I did. But I made a mistake, and I want to know you again. Please consider it."

His voice was shaking by the end, and Connor moved over to sit next to him.

"Have you texted him back?"

"No. I'm too scared. I don't want to talk to him."

"You don't have to. Does your mom know?"

"No!" Evan's voice was suddenly sharp, and Connor raised his hands in surrender. 

"I don't know what to do though," Evan said softly, his bottom lip quivering. "I'm mad at him. Like, really mad at him. But, at the same time... he's my dad."

Connor rested a hand on his shoulder, ready to pull away if Evan didn't want to be touched, but he was pleasantly surprised when Evan wrapped his arms around him. He wasn't used to hugging. At all. Hell, he wasn't used to people liking him enough to even consider hugging him. But it felt nice, so he hugged back.

"We'll figure it out, Ev."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2000 HITS OMG I LOVE YOU GUYS


	16. Catch Me, I'm Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things happen, but I can't say without spoiling them.

Jared approached Evan on Monday, sitting next to him before first period while he read in the empty cafeteria.

"Hey."

Evan looked up, marking his page and setting the book aside.

"Hi."

Jared was looking down at the table, tapping his fingers hard. "I thought about what you said. About me taking out my issues on Connor." Evan was silent, and he continued. "I think you might be right? I feel like... like he's trying to steal you. And I don't know... how to deal with it."

Evan nodded, understanding. "I can be friends with both of you, you know. Just because neither of us has ever had more than one friend at a time doesn't mean we can't."

Jared laughed. It was a small laugh, uncertain, but it made Evan happy.

"So... are we friends again?"

Evan nodded. "Yeah. We are."

Jared caught Evan in a chokehold, mussing his hair and laughing. "Thanks, Acorn."

* * *

Connor was  _not_ having a good day. Larry seemed to have decided that he could talk to him again, and made up for the previous silence by making every dig he could have at breakfast that morning. Then he got caught up arguing and was late to school. That wouldn't have bothered him most days, but today he was so upset already that it destroyed the relative good mood he'd been in when he woke up.

He had to walk into first period after everyone else had already gotten there, and  _oh my God, everyone was staring_. His skin crawled and the cuts on his wrists, healing now, itched almost painfully. 

He was so tired. Of everything. 

He managed to slave through second period, and to keep himself from nodding off as the teacher droned on and on. He found Evan at break, smiling like nothing was wrong in the world, and he calmed down a bit, the edges of rage that had been flitting around his mind all morning fading to nothing. And then there was Kleinman, appearing on Evan's side and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. 

"Hey, Acorn. Murphy. What's the news?"

Connor raised a brow, but Evan just smiled, shrugging. 

"Are you two...?" Connor asked blankly, and Jared smiled wickedly. 

"Evan wishes."

Evan smacked his arm. "Shut up, Jared. But... um, we're friends again. If that's what you're asking."

Connor nodded absently, sitting down and pulling his phone out of his pocket. His brain was twenty other places, and somewhere, deep in his mind, he was sure that his day couldn't get any worse. He was wrong of course. He scanned his texts, freezing when he read one from his mother. 

He didn't realize he was on his feet until Evan asked, "Connor?"

"I- uh." He blinked. Fear and something else, something he couldn't name, twisted in the pit of his stomach. "I need to- Fuck."

Evan and Jared both stood, eerily calm. 

"Connor, I need you to breathe," Evan whispered. "Can I touch you?"

Connor nodded, still staring at his phone's screen, though it had gone black ages ago. Evan took his arm, leading him slowly to the nearest bathroom, with Jared right on his heels. 

"We need-" Connor started again, trying hard not to cry. Because damn it, he was so scared. 

"Take your time," Jared said, shockingly serious. 

"Go get Alana. It's Zoe."

Jared nodded, turning and jogging down the hall and leaving Evan and Connor alone in the deserted bathroom.

"Connor," Evan said slowly, "can you breathe with me?"

Connor nodded, steadying himself carefully. 

"Can I see your phone?" Evan asked, and Connor dropped it in his open palm like it had burned him. Evan unlocked it- he'd seen Connor type the code so many times that he knew it by memory- and read the message. His own face went pale, but he forced himself to stay calm. For Connor's sake. 

The message was simple. 

_Zoe's back in the hospital. She had a seizure this morning. The doctors think there was residual brain damage from her fall. Will update you when I know more._

Turning off the phone, Evan turned his full attention to Connor, whose face was now blissfully blank. "Connor? Are you better now?"

He nodded, focusing on Evan's face with difficulty. He was glad he hadn't started crying. Under any other circumstance, he probably would have. Jared came back in.

"I brought Alana. What happened?"

Connor let Evan help him to his feet, and they left the bathroom hand in hand. 

* * *

Zoe wasn't authorized for visitors, and Connor knew he'd have another panic attack if he went anywhere near that hospital. So instead he went to Evan's house after school, too scared to go anywhere near home. If he did, then Cynthia would give him that  _look_ , and she'd make him talk- and- and- and. Heidi wasn't home, so they continued their movie marathon from a few days earlier, starting with Atlantis. 

Evan couldn't keep himself from asking, during one of the ending scenes, "So... what happened earlier?"

Connor shrugged, keeping his eyes on the movie as he answered. "I had a panic attack, I think. I don't have them that often, but when I do they're pretty shitty."

Evan sighed, looking down at his lap. "I'm really sorry about all of that. You all have been through enough, and now this."

Connor sighed too, leaning his head back. "Is it wrong that I'm scared to go home?"

Evan shook his head. "No, it's... I'd be scared too, I think."

Connor hummed noncommittally, still not opening his eyes. "I think I hate my dad."

"I hate him too," Evan said, and Connor laughed. A real laugh, that shook his shoulders and crinkled the corners of his eyes. Evan stopped breathing for a second. 

"Have you ever thought about braiding your hair?" Evan blurted, and Connor finally looked at him, raising an eyebrow. 

"I used to braid it, but I'm more of a bun guy if you hadn't noticed."

"Can I braid it?"

Evan wanted to crawl into a hole and die. The words had come out with no thought whatsoever, and he felt his face flaming. But Connor nodded, readjusting himself so that Evan could reach his hair easier. His mom had taught him to braid years ago, and he was pretty good at it.

"French braid or regular braid?"

"Whatever involves the least tugging."

"Regular then."

Evan took Connor's curls in his hands and almost gasped out loud.  _So soft_. 

Connor changed the movie while Evan braided, switching to The Hunchback of Notre Dame. His favorite, Connor told him. 

"You have a hair tie?" 

Connor handed him a dark purple band from his wrist, and Evan wrapped it around the end of the braid, moving back to admire his work. 

"How's it look?" Connor asked.

"Amazing."

They were both blushing, Evan was sure. They were sitting much closer before, and Evan could smell Connor's shampoo, something that smelled vaguely masculine and made Evan feel warm and fuzzy. And  _ohmyGodhewassogayforConnorMurphy_. It wasn't a new thought, but now it was at the forefront of his brain. Connor winced at something onscreen, and Evan looked up in time to see the end of the scene with Quasimodo at the Festival of Fools. Taking a breath, he grabbed Connor's hand. The scene had always bothered him, and he figured it did the same to Connor.

The taller boy looked at him for a moment, confusion in his eyes, before he turned back to the movie, gripping Evan's hand tightly. 

* * *

Connor could  _sing_. Evan had never had reason to notice before, but when Esmerelda sang the opening lines of God Help the Outcasts, Connor sang along. Evan was going to faint. His voice was a little low for the role, but the two voices blended perfectly. Evan stared, unabashed, but Connor didn't notice. His eyes were closed, his head tipped back. And he was  _smiling_. 

_I want to kiss him. I'm going to kiss him. I want to kiss him so bad. I'm going to kiss him. Holy fuck I'm going to kiss him._

But he stayed frozen, struck dumb, because  _oh my God_.

Connor seemed to come out of a trance as the song ended, grinning sheepishly at Evan. "Sorry. I'm not that much of a singer, that was probably-"

And Evan kissed him.

* * *

_HOLY SHIT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT._

Connor was frozen. Because Evan was kissing him. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

The kiss only lasted a moment, and then Evan pulled away, tomato red, stuttering apologies and looking like he was about to cry. He got up, like he was going to bolt, and then he seemed to remember that it was his house, because he stopped, trying and failing to articulate a sentence, and Connor couldn't think anything beyond  _holy shit_.

And then Evan did cry, and he buried his face in his hands and wailed, "I ruined everything!"

"Evan." Connor couldn't form words. "I- You-"

"I'm sorry, I'm so dumb- I just, I thought- I can't-" Evan sobbed, and Connor got up, crossing the room and grabbing his shoulders. 

"Evan, breathe. Look at me."

Evan shook his head, stuttering and stammering, and Connor moved his hands to Evan's wrists. He guided the hands away from Evan's face, stopping because Evan was  _sobbing_ , and so red that Connor was worried he'd faint.

" _Breathe_ ," he repeated, and Evan tried to cooperate.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I-"

" _Evan_."

"I shouldn't have- I-"

Connor kissed him, short and sweet, and Evan stopped, still stammering, but calmer.

"But I- You- I thought-"

"Shhh," Connor soothed, "Calm down first, then we can talk."

Evan slowed his breathing with some effort, but his face got redder and redder. Connor was sure his face was doing the same thing. 

"Better?" he asked, and Evan nodded.

"You didn't have to kiss me," he murmured, looking away. "I know you didn't-" There were still tears streaming down his face, and Connor wanted so badly to make him feel better that it hurt. Physically  _hurt_. 

"Evan," he said, and waited until Evan looked at him to continue, "I've wanted to kiss you for ages. It's okay."

"Y-you did? You w-  _Me?_ "

"Yes."

Evan nearly started crying again at the thought, but he was smiling now, radiant.

"Can I kiss you again?" Connor whispered, and Evan nodded. 

And Connor leaned in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH


	17. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! Writer's block is the worst.

"Are we going to talk about this?" Connor asked, wrapped up with Evan under a mound of blankets on the couch. They'd spent most of the afternoon kissing, a tangle of limbs and blankets. 

"We should," Evan answered, "I really don't know what to say, though."

"Are we official then? Boyfriends?"

Evan looked up at him, and for a second Connor thought he'd fucked up. But Evan just said, "I'd like that. Yeah."

"Exclusively?"

Evan nodded. Connor couldn't help but smile. Evan looked happier than Connor had ever seen him. His cheeks were flushed, and he was grinning the dopiest grin, like he could spend the rest of his life in this moment. 

Connor waited for a few moments, drinking in the sight of Evan, because  _holy shit he was so in love_. Then he asked, "Who are we telling?"

"Not Jared," Evan said immediately. "Not yet."

Connor nodded. "Definitely not Jared. Not my parents. Can I tell Zoe?" 

He nodded. "Can I tell my mom?"

"Yeah. Definitely. As long as you make sure she knows my parents can't know."

"I'll make sure she knows."

Connor smiled. Well. Kept smiling.

"Can I kiss you some more?"

"Yeah," Evan said, already leaning toward him.

* * *

The house was empty when Connor got home that night. Larry and Cynthia were probably at the hospital with Zoe. There was no one there to bother him, or to try and coax a conversation out of him. Heidi had offered him dinner when she had gotten home, but Connor figured he should probably go home so that Evan could talk to her. He made himself some cereal instead, eating at the empty table and going up to bed early. Even if he couldn't get to sleep, the weather was starting to get cold, and the blankets would feel nice. 

He changed into some pajamas, then pulled his hoodie on over them, because it was So. Fucking. Cold. And he tried to pretend, as he pulled the fabric up to his face, that he wasn't doing this because it smelled like Evan. Definitely not.

Sleep evaded him, and he unplugged his phone and moved to the other end of the bed, curling up in the corner made by the footboard and the wall. He texted Evan. Because he couldn't help himself. 

**You: how did it go?**

Evan didn't text back immediately, and Connor tried to ignore the worry forming in the pit of his stomach. If Heidi said anything... Logically, of course, he knew that Heidi would be okay with it. But logic never really played a big part in Connor's thought processes.

He pulled his headphones from the drawer in his bedside table, plugging them in and blasting some Metallica, which calmed him down a bit (somehow). 

He hadn't planned on staying up late, but he needed the confirmation from Evan. To know that Evan was okay. That they were okay. The time flew, and he finished the album and another one after that before Evan finally texted him back.

**Evan: She's fine with it.**

**Evan: We talked. For a long time.**

**Evan: We both cried a little bit but it was okay.**

**Evan: I'm so happy, Connor.**

**You: I'm happy for you guys**

**Evan: I think I'm going to bed now. Goodnight, Connor.**

**You: Gn <3**

Connor blushed at his own message, knowing that he was smiling as much as Evan had been. This was so perfect. Evan was so perfect. 

_Jesus Christ. Oh my fucking God. AAAAAAAAH._

He was still a little bit in shock. Just a bit. 

Headlights shone through his window, and Connor suddenly remembered why he had wanted to go to bed early.  _Fuck_. He plugged in his phone again, scrambling to get under the blankets and steady his breathing. The front door opened and closed again, and he could hear their muted voices. Zoe said something in a tight voice, and Connor was flooded with relief. She was fine.

Larry said something, and Cynthia snapped at him. Silence. Then feet on the stairs, and Connor couldn't help but tense up. Zoe's door opened, and light flooded the hallway. A few more moments of conversation, then silence. He'd just managed to relax when the door opened. Cynthia.

"Connor? Are you awake, Honey?"

He thought about pretending. But she always knew. "Yeah."

"Have you been by yourself all day?"

"No, I was at Evan's until around eight."

She hesitated for a moment. 

"Your sister's going to be alright. As far as they can tell, it's post-traumatic epilepsy. They prescribed some medication, and hopefully, it will go away."

"It's good. That she'll be okay."

"She's still awake. If you want to talk to her."

"I think I'm good for now. I was just about to go to bed."

Another pause. "She was asking for you."

He scowled, but threw back the blankets. Cynthia smiled, illuminated by the light from the hallway. 

Zoe was lying on a veritable mountain of pillows. She smiled weakly as he came in, and he frowned at the bags under her eyes. 

"Hey," he said. 

"Hey," she replied, her voice thick with exhaustion. 

"How are you feeling?"

"Like shit," she said with a smile. "Where were you all day?"

"Evan's house."

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh?"

He waited for a second. Made sure the door was closed. "He kissed me."

She squealed. "He did? Oh my God! Details, Con."

Connor grinned. "We were on his couch, marathoning Disney movies, and we were watching _Hunchback of Notre Dame_. I was singing _God Help the Outcasts_ and then he kissed me when the song ended."

"You seduced him with your horrible singing voice," she said, a laugh in her voice.

"Guess so," he replied with a shrug.

"Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?" 

"You think I'm an idiot?" Her face fell, and he backtracked. "Sorry. Not what I meant."

"No, you're right. I was an idiot."

"No. There was no way for you to know what would have happened."

"Of course there was. I just didn't want to admit it."

He frowned. "Well. Either way. I don't want them to know until I'm sure it's safe. Until I know I have somewhere else to go."

"I was fine. More or less."

"He pushed you down the stairs. And you're his favorite. He'd do much worse to me."

"He wouldn't hurt you. Not on purpose."

"You don't know that. Just because he never has..."

"He  _wouldn't_. Just... let me believe that. Please."

He sighed, reaching out to mess up her hair before he got up, heading back to his room.

"Goodnight, Zo," he said, pausing in the doorway. 

"Goodnight."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short-ish chapter, but I'm pretty proud of it.


	18. Hold Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor hangs out with someone other than Evan. Evan comes over for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally forgot that Evan was supposed to have dinner with the Murphys haha. I had like four hundred words done, and then I remembered and had to erase them all :/

The next day, in a desperate attempt to get out of the house as fast as possible, Connor skipped breakfast and drove to school early, pulling into the parking lot at seven-twenty. He needed a smoke, desperately, but he'd left his lighter, cigarettes, and weed at home, so that was a no-go. He wanted to text Evan, but he'd learned by now that Evan never answered in the mornings. He was always in a rush because he always overslept.

There was Kleinman, now. He always got to school right at seven, then stayed in the library until seven-thirty. He considered it for a moment- then scolded himself for even thinking about it; Jared was not what he needed right now. He was already in a bad enough mood from the withdrawals, and with Jared on top of that? It was in everyone's best interest for him to stay where he was, in the car.

There was a tap on the window, and Connor looked up. Alana peered back at him, her head tilted to the side and a curious expression on her face. Sighing, he unstrapped, got his bag, and got out.

"Hey, Alana," he said, trying to keep the exasperation from his tone. "What's up?"

"Not much," she said, an easy smile on her face. "My uncle's never really home, so I just do homework and sleep most days. I've been struggling a bit with all this work- six AP classes and three college classes may have been a little much, even for me. How's Zoe? What happened?"

"They say it's Post-Traumatic Epilepsy," he explained. "The fall damaged her brain, so she has seizures now." Alana's smile dropped, and he rushed to finish, "They gave her some medication though, and it should stop them. It's nothing too dangerous, just inconvenient for her."

Alana shook her head. "It's horrible, the whole thing."

He nodded in mute agreement, his fucked up brain replaying the whole thing for him to enjoy. 

"I'm headed to the library, do you want to walk with me? Your first period's that way, right?"

_No. No. No. NO._

"Sure."

They were silent as they crossed the campus, but it was a comfortable silence, and Connor found himself glad for the company. Maybe, since he was here anyway, he could check out one of the books that Larry wouldn't buy for him. Or one he didn't dare ask Larry for.  _I'll Give You the Sun_ and  _Carry On_ both sounded like great reads.

Alana hummed a little tune under her breath as they reached the library doors, and Connor looked over at her. She seemed more relaxed the second she entered, as if a great weight had been taken off her shoulders. 

"Oh," she said, "Jared's here! Could you go save me a seat, Connor? The end of the semester's coming up, and everyone's trying to get in all of their AR points."

He sighed and nodded, crossing the room to Jared's table. He set his bag down on the table, and Jared bolted upright, then relaxed again.

"Oh, hey Murphy. Finally decided my charms were too much to resist?"

Connor scoffed, "No way, Kleinman. Just saving a seat for Alana." He sat stiffly, pulling out his phone to text Evan. 

**You: alana dragged me to the library, kleinman's here too. send backup immediately.**

**Evan: On my way lol**

Jared was still looking at him, his open book in one hand as he fixed his glasses with the other.

"When was the last time you brushed your hair?"

Connor shrugged, trying to think back. "Sunday?"

Jared snorted, looking back down at his book with a little sigh. Alana joined them, setting a small stack of books on the table and setting her backpack beside them. Connor caught a few familiar titles.

" _Of Mice and Men_? Didn't you read that in Freshman year?"

She nodded, already focused on the page. "I did. But that was three years ago, and I'd like to revisit it from a more adult perspective. I was a bit young to get all the symbolism back then."

He nodded absently. "I'm gonna go grab a book. Watch my stuff, yeah?"

"Mm."

He took that as a yes, leaving his bag and crossing to the fiction section. He'd read a lot of the books already, either at home or during the hours he spent in the library during the first three years of high school. The librarian knew him better than most of his teachers. She was helping some other kids, and he was half hoping she didn't notice him. But then there was the problem of checking the book out. He decided on  _I'll Give You the Sun_ , and he dragged his feet as he walked to the front desk.

"Connor?" The librarian, Miss Dawn, was a middle-aged lady who wore glasses on a chain and flower-print dresses every day. "Oh, I haven't seen you since October! What have you been up to?"

"Not much. Just trying to make it through this year."

She frowned. "Is it that bad? Isn't there any class that interests you?"

He shrugged. "My History class is alright."

Her weathered face broke into a smile. "I'm glad. I hope I can see you more often."

She handed him the book and he walked back to the table, sitting beside Alana and saving the last chair for Evan. The other two were buried in their books, so he started on his. Immediately, he could tell this book would be a new favorite. He finished a chapter or so before Evan arrived, dropping down between him and Jared. 

"Good morning," Evan said breathlessly, and the other three returned it in sync. He pulled out a book of his own, and went silent.

* * *

"What did you do?" Jared asked at break. Evan and Connor looked up in unison.

"What do you mean?" Evan asked, and Connor pretended to look down at his phone.

"You look like... Oh my God!"

"What?"

"You're fucking!"

Evan shushed him. "I-I don't know what you're talking about."

"No, don't lie! You two are fucking!" Jared's eyes were wide and glinting with mischief, a smug grin on his face.

"Not... that," Evan said. He looked at Connor who shrugged. "Just dating."

"So you say," Jared said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"It's a secret, though. You can't tell  _anyone_."

Jared frowned. "Not even-"

" _No one_ ," Connor repeated, looking Jared right in the eye. "If this gets back to my dad, I'm fucked."

Jared nodded solemnly. " _Fine_. How's your sister?"

Connor shrugged. "Post-Traumatic Epilepsy. The seizures might stop, they might not. We just don't know."

"Sucks," Jared said, and they all nodded.

* * *

"Wasn't I supposed to have dinner with your parents at some point?" Evan asked as they walked to fifth period.

Connor thought back. "Yeah. Today, I think. Do you still want to?"

Evan shrugged. "It'll be incredibly awkward, but I feel like, as your boyfriend, I'm kind of obligated to."

"We can just hang out in my room for most of the time. And Zoe's bored as hell, she'd appreciate some company."

They reached Evan's class, and he sighed. "I'll call my mom during the walk to sixth. I'm sure it'll be fine. And then I can just go right to your house after school if it's alright."

"I'll text my mom, but the answer will be yes, no matter what."

"Alright. See you later, then."

"See you."

* * *

"So?" Connor asked, climbing into the driver's seat and starting the car. He dug through his CD collection and found some Jack Johnson to play while he drove.

"She says it's fine. What did your mom say?"

"Yes. Just like I told you she would."

Evan nodded, looking at his hands in his lap. Connor caught the slight quiver of his lip and reached over to take his hand.

"Hey. You don't have to do this if you don't want to. My feelings won't be hurt."

Evan shook his head, and his voice was tight when he answered. Connor shifted his eyes to the road but he left his hand in Evan's."I want to go, I really do. I'm just... really scared that I'll mess something up. They'll probably hate me."

Connor squeezed his hand tightly. "That's not true, Evan. They'll  _love_ you. You're polite and friendly, and pretty much everything they wish I would be. Trust me."

"What if they find out? What if they just look at us, like Jared did, and they  _know_?"

"Then we'll deal with it. But they won't find out, Evan. We'll keep this a secret for as long as we have to."

Evan smiled sadly. "I wish we didn't have to keep it secret."

"I know. If nothing changes, then I can tell them after graduation."

The shorter boy nodded, and Connor smiled. "We'll make this work, okay?"

"Okay."

They pulled into the driveway, and Connor turned off the car. Evan took a few slow breaths, then smiled weakly. "Ready?"

Connor got out, and Evan followed him up the tile path and up the front steps. Cynthia was in the kitchen when they entered, working on what Connor could already tell was going to be another disgusting dinner. He could hear Larry typing in his office, and he decided to save that awkward talk for dinner. Instead, he led Evan into the kitchen, grabbing a bag of chips and some water.

"Hello again, Evan," Cynthia said, her hands buried in a bowl of raw meat. "It's nice to see you. Connor, don't eat too much, alright? It's almost dinner time."

"Okay, Mom," Connor replied, grabbing Evan by the elbow and leading him upstairs to his room. 

"Still alright, Evan?"

"Yeah."

"Go ahead and sit down," Connor said, gesturing around. He took his desk chair, and Evan took the bed. "What do you want to do?"

Evan shrugged. "I was leaving that one up to you."

Connor tapped his fingers on the desk for a moment. "I dunno, dude. I'm shit at this stuff. We could go bug Zoe?"

"Sure."

Connor got up and crossed the hall with Evan following. He tapped lightly on Zoe's door, and she answered quickly, "Come in!"

He opened the door, letting Evan go in first. Zoe's face brightened the moment she saw him. 

"Evan, hi! How are you?"

He shrugged, looking down. "I'm... okay. How are you? How's your head?"

"Better, thank God," she replied, sitting up a bit more. "Don't just stand in the doorway, Con, make yourself comfortable."

He blinked, then pulled out the stool by Zoe's vanity, sitting with his elbows on his knees.

"Anything interesting happen at school?" Zoe asked, still smiling.

Connor shrugged, but Evan said, "There was another fight. Some sophomore tried to mess with a senior- Jordan, I think- and he got beat up pretty bad."

Zoe raised her eyebrows. "I'm not surprised. Jordan seems like someone who'd beat up a sophomore."

"When are you going back?" Connor asked, sure their mom had told him at one point and he'd forgotten. 

"Tomorrow, as long as nothing happens."

Connor nodded absently, watching her face as she tried not to ask what they all knew she wanted to ask.

"What about Alana? What's going on with her?"

"She's okay," Connor reported. "Struggling a bit with the six million classes she takes, but she's alright."

Zoe smiled. "What about her uncle?"

"She says he isn't home too often, so she mostly has the house to herself."

She nodded, thinking for a moment.

"Are you eating dinner with us, or staying in bed?"

"I should probably stay in bed, but you two will probably need the moral support. Go on and give me a minute to make myself look less like a corpse, 'kay?"

Connor rolled his eyes, but he and Evan went back to his room. Connor flopped on the bed and Evan carefully perched on the side."Still doing alright, Ev?"

Evan nodded, smiling. "Yeah, it's much better now. I'll probably be fine."

Connor decided not to comment on the "probably".

* * *

"So, Evan, you're in the same grade as Connor, right? Any plans for college? Do you have a dream school?"

It was Larry who asked, and Connor rolled his eyes. 

"I'm, uh, still not sure exactly where I want to go," Evan admitted, looking everywhere else. "I'll probably end up at whichever school offers the best scholarship." He laughed awkwardly. 

"What type of work do you want to do?"

"Um... Environmental Engineering, I think."

"Didn't you want to be an environmental engineer, Zoe?" Cynthia asked.

Zoe shook her head. "I did a project on it for the science fair, but it wasn't my thing. It's a really cool job, though, Evan."

Evan smiled gratefully, looking down at his plate. 

"What about you, Connor?" Larry asked, knowing the answer before the words even came out of his mouth. "Any new plans for college? Have you figured out what you want to do?"

Connor shook his head, and his hair fell in his eyes. He pushed it back again. 

"Nothing? Not even an idea?"

He shook his head again, silent. There was a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach, like something was about to happen. He tried to ignore both the strange feeling and the all too familiar anger and shame running through his veins. He could feel his face start to burn.

Larry sighed, then he said to Evan, "I'm afraid Connor's never been as motivated as you are, young man. I'm sure your father must be proud."

Connor felt himself flinch, and Evan did the same next to him. 

"Yeah," Evan said, sounding a bit like he was choking. "He is."

Connor glared furiously at his father, only staying silent because Zoe's eyes were begging him to ignore it and be the bigger person. For once, he bit his tongue and stayed quiet. And then Larry kept talking.

"How are your grades, Evan? God knows Connor needs help with school work, and we need a new tutor now that-"

Connor slammed his fork down on the table. "May I be excused?"

Larry frowned at him. "Where are your manners, Connor? Wait until your guest is done eating."

His hands were shaking.  _Fuck_ , this was bad.

"I think I'm done," Evan said, but it came out like a question. 

"Don't stop on Connor's account, Evan," Larry said, his eyes on Connor as he said it. "I'm sure you must be hungry."

Evan shook his head. "No, r-really. I, uh, had a huge lunch. I couldn't eat another bite. It was delicious, Mrs. Murphy, thank you."

"No trouble, Evan," Cynthia said. "Why don't you kids go hang out, and I'll get everything cleaned up."

Connor leaped to his feet, storming out of the room. Evan hurried after him. He was only a few steps behind, and he caught up in time to see Connor take the pillows off his bed and throw them at the wall as hard as he could, before dropping down to sit on the bed and cradle his head in his hands. Evan closed the door behind him and sat down gingerly beside Connor.

"What can I do?"

Connor looked up at him, eyes shining with furious tears. 

"Just... hug me? Please?"

Evan scooted closer, pulling Connor against him and holding on tight.


	19. Destruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SOME WILD SHIT GOES DOWN (I've been looking forward to this scene for weeks!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for homophobia, homophobic slurs, and violence.

The tension was heavy in the Murphy house over the next few days. Zoe went back to school and, despite strict orders not to, spent as much time as possible with Alana. Connor took every opportunity to stay away from home, and Zoe followed suit. They hung out at Evan's a few times, and Jared joined the other four for a few... eventful rounds of Mario Party. (Zoe was a smug winner and Jared was a horrible loser.)

Larry shifted between ignoring Connor and being passive-aggressive like he had been at that ill-fated dinner. He was still suffering from terrible withdrawals, which didn't improve his moods. But Evan was always around, which helped.

The tension was at home, but it boiled over at school. Evan wasn't at their lunch table. Over the almost four months they'd been sitting together, Evan had been the first there every day. Alana and Zoe, relative newcomers, didn't notice, but Jared and Connor exchanged a nervous glance. 

After ten minutes of growing tension, Connor got to his feet. Jared followed. 

"Where are you going?"

"Evan's not usually this late," Jared explained.

"Maybe he's working on something for class?"

Jared shook his head. "He always texts first. Always."

"You think he's in trouble?" Alana asked, getting to her feet as well. 

"It's a possibility," Jared said, shrugging. "God knows the guy attracts trouble."

Zoe rose to follow them, frowning silently. There was something worrying in her eyes.

It didn't take long to find Evan. There was a crowd of shouting people, trapping two people against the wall. Connor recognized one of the guys as Jordan, the senior who'd beaten that Sophomore up on Tuesday. His suspension was over, apparently. And the other guy was Evan, looking down at his feet as Jordan said something in his ear and the crowd around them yelled. Some of them were trying to pull Jordan off, and others were jeering. Connor caught the word "fag", and something heavy settled in the pit of his stomach. 

Jared gripped his shoulder, sensing where this was going.

"You'll get suspended, dude."

Connor pulled away. "Don't touch me right now."

Jared pulled his hand away, his eyes flashing with quiet rage behind his glasses. "Go ahead."

Zoe almost touched his shoulder, then stopped, hand hovering an inch or so away. "Think this through."

"Look!" Jordan called, laughing, "It's his fag boyfriend!"

Evan's head shot up, and Connor met his gaze evenly for a moment. The crowd parted, and Connor started forward.

"Let him go."

Jordan tilted his head to the side, grinning. "Why should I?"

The crowd was whispering now, backing away because they  _all_ knew Connor, and they  _all_ knew his reputation. 

"Because if you don't, I'll put you in the fucking hospital."

Evan was shaking like a leaf, but he managed to say, "No- No, Connor, don't-" before Jordan talked over him.

"You brought your dyke sister with you? What's the matter, can't even fight on your own?"

Connor stiffened suddenly, and Evan stood up a little straighter. Faster than he could blink, Evan had punched Jordan in the jaw. And Jordan did the logical thing for someone in his situation. He punched him back. Evan's head struck the brick wall behind him, and he gasped. Connor's vision went red, and the next thing he could remember was Jared, Alana, and Zoe pulling him off Jordan, spitting blood and curses. A teacher was running from her classroom, and the crowd around them had scattered.

"Connor," Zoe hissed, "He's fine, calm down!"

His breath was coming in short gasps, and his entire body was shaking. It took him a moment to register the words, and another to force himself to relax. Evan was crouching beside him, crying a bit, trying to stop the blood flowing from his nose with the hem of his shirt. But he was  _okay_. 

"What the hell is going on here?" the teacher demanded, out of breath. It was just Connor, Evan, Alana, Zoe, Jared, and Jordan now. If Jordan counted. He was more like a groaning puddle on the ground now. Connor looked at his hands in surprise. His knuckles were split and bleeding, but most of the blood there was Jordan's.

"He was-" "Connor was just-" "Connor didn't-" "-defending Evan-"

"Office. Now. All of you."

She took a look at Jordan and gasped softly. "Miss Beck, please take Jordan to the nurse. Miss Murphy, Mister Kleinman, Mister Hansen, Mister Murphy, follow me, please."

They did as they were told, and Evan's hand found Connor's as they walked. The office wasn't far, and then they were sitting in the waiting room, Evan and Connor still clinging desperately to each other while Jared and Zoe pretended not to watch. Someone had given Evan a paper towel to stop the blood flow from his nose, and he only acknowledged it, holding it a centimeter away because touching his nose hurt.

"Oh my God," Connor whispered, blinking at his split knuckles. "What did I do?"

Evan looked over at him. "You protected me."

"I could have killed him."

"You wouldn't have."

Connor shook his head mutely, watching the blood dry.  _I'm a fucking psychopath_.

"Hey." Evan said, then again, " _Hey_."

Connor looked up at him. "C'mere."

Evan wrapped his arm around Connor's shoulders, pulling him closer so that he was practically laying on him. Zoe and Jared turned to each other and raised their eyebrows. "We're-"

The door opened and Larry, Cynthia, Heidi, and a tall brunette that had to be Jordan's dad entered. Evan and Connor jumped apart, but Larry had already seen, and his furious scowl deepened. He turned to Zoe, and she looked as scared as he felt.

Principal Howard entered the waiting room from his office, as if on cue, and smiled a tight smile. "Everyone inside please."

Connor rose shakily, his hand feeling empty without the weight of Evan's in it. The others followed. 

"Where's Jordan?" the other man asked, and Principal Howard paused halfway to his desk. 

"He's in the nurse's office."

Heidi looked at Evan and frowned. "And why isn't  _Evan_ in the nurse's office. Or Connor? They're both bleeding."

"Jordan required more... immediate attention and we decided it would probably not be a good idea to put the three in the same room."

"What did they do to him?" Jordan's father asked, caught between anger and grudging admiration.

"Nothing some ice and bandages won't fix," Principal Howard said, sounding strained. "Now, I think I'd like to get the kids' sides of the story, hm?"

Jordan's father nodded, looking at them all before zeroing in on Connor.

"Connor?" Principal Howard said lightly. "Would you start us off? From the beginning."

Connor took a shaky breath and nodded. "We noticed Evan wasn't at our lunch table like usual, so we went to go see what was going on. When we got there, Jordan was caging him in against the wall, and calling him... some homophobic slurs. I told him to stop, and he called Zoe a dyke. Evan punched him, and he punched Evan back, and then my brain just kind of... blanked out. And then they were pulling me off." He turned to Jordan's dad, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "I didn't mean to hurt him that bad. I just wanted him to leave us alone."

"What do you mean, 'blanked out'?" 

Connor looked down at his lap, biting his lip hard. "I don't know, it just happens sometimes. I get mad and then I just... blank out."

Larry placed a heavy hand on Connor's shoulder, a warning to stop talking. He did.

Principal Howard was frowning harder now, and he turned his attention to Evan. 

"Evan, your side?"

Evan told his part, shaking hard and looking like he was about to cry. Principal Howard watched him intently and then moved on to Zoe and Jared, who told their parts quickly. They were all still shaking from adrenaline and anger, and Connor reached for Evan's hand before he could stop himself, because Larry had seen. Larry knew. There was no point in hiding it now. And if he didn't cling to something, he would have snapped.

They brought Jordan in a few minutes later, covered in bandages and holding an ice pack to the side of his face, and told his side. It was mostly lies, and Principal Howard seemed to notice. 

He thought for a while after Jordan was done, closing his eyes and tapping his pen against his desk. Finally, he opened them, and said, "Zoe, Jared, go to fifth period. Thank you for your time."

Zoe squeezed Connor's shoulder on her way past- A quiet reassurance? A show of support? A show of fear?- and then she and Jared left, their footsteps echoing through empty hallways. 

"I'll cut to the chase. Connor, Evan, Jordan, you're all suspended for a week. And Jordan, I'd like to remind you about our school's tolerance policy. I don't want to hear anything else about you using slurs. Are we clear?"

The three boys nodded, and Principal Howard turned to their parents. "Thank you for taking time to come here. That's all I need to talk to you about today."

* * *

Larry and Cynthia had taken separate cars to the school. Connor rode home with Cynthia, quaking with fear because Larry  _knew_. 

"Is he going to kick me out?" Connor asked softly, and Cynthia sighed. 

"I don't know, Connor. I just don't know. But I'm proud of you. For standing up for your friends. And your sister."

"He's my boyfriend, actually," Connor whispered, because if he was getting kicked out then there was no more point in lying.

Cynthia smiled sadly. "Your boyfriend, then. I'm so proud of you. So, so proud."

* * *

They got home first. Cynthia told him to sit on the couch and wait, and whatever happened would happen. Larry got there a minute after them, slamming the front door behind him. Connor looked up, but he was silent. He went upstairs, and a moment later Connor heard a door slam. He waited, listening. Something smashed, and he jumped to his feet because  _holy fuck Larry was in his room_. 

He couldn't remember climbing the stairs but suddenly he was frozen in his doorway, watching Larry tear down posters. 

"Stop it."

The last of the posters fell to the floor, and Larry pulled open Connor's desk drawers, pulling out sketchbooks and tearing out huge wads of paper.

"Stop it!"

Papers littered the floor, and Connor stepped forward, eyes burning.

"Stop it! Those are mine! Stop!"

He pulled a CD from its case, shattering it on under his feet. 

Connor screamed, "STOP IT!

He smashed disk after disk,  _Master of Puppets, The Click, The Black Parade, One-X, Nevermind_ , shattered, shattered,  **shattered**.

" **STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!** "

He ran forward, trying to pull his CD's away, but Larry continued, breaking one after the other after the other as Connor tried desperately to rescue his things. 

" **THOSE ARE MINE! GIVE THEM BACK, PLEASE**!"

 _Vices and Virtues, Vessel, Human,_ gone.

His throat was raw from sobbing and screaming, but he continued, " **STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!** "

The seconds after Larry shattered his last disc came in flashes of sensation. 

Larry whirling toward him- _skip_ \- Cynthia in the doorway- _skip_ \- "Don't you dare lay another hand on our children!"- _skip_ \- a flash of pain in his cheek- _skip_ \- falling into shattered glass and paper scraps- _skip_ \- Cynthia holding him, her arms wrapped around his shoulders, screaming, "I WANT A DIVORCE!"- _skip_ - Larry standing there, dumbstruck, then storming out. 

And then Connor was back, Cynthia pulling him to his feet, pulling a duffel bag out of his closet.

"Mom?"

"You need to go, Connor. Let him cool off."

"You're kicking me out?"

"No!  _No_ , of course not. But he needs some time, and so do you."

He got up, scrubbing some tears from his face. More appeared to take their place. "I can't- I don't know what to do."

Cynthia finished packing his clothes for him and crossed the room to stand in front of him. She pulled him close, wrapping him in her arms. "You'll be okay, Connor. I promise. Keep your phone charged, I'll call when I can."

" _Mom_."

"I know. I know. But you have to."

He screwed his eyes shut, forcing back a sob. "I'm scared," he whispered.

"I know."

She squeezed his shoulders, then pulled away and finished packing his bag. He couldn't seem to move. Or speak. Or stop crying. Because why did it matter?

* * *

He ended up walking to Evan's. He tried to call, but Evan didn't answer. Probably had his phone taken away. Because that's what rational parents like Heidi Hansen did when their sons got suspended. Instead of destroying the CD's he'd been collecting since he was twelve. And ruining every drawing from the age of nine or ten. (Though, if he was being honest, the destruction of his room was probably more about the queerness than anything else.)

He managed to stop crying after ten minutes or so. It wouldn't do him any good to be a mess when he got there. 

His thoughts were chaotic, and after a mile or so he just... zoned out. He walked. And walked. And walked. 

When he finally came back to himself, he was at Evan's door with a sunburn and a minor heatstroke. He didn't know what to do, now that he was here. Evan was probably in trouble. Big trouble. And his being there would probably make everything worse. Heidi probably hated him.  _Evan_ probably hated him. That one stung. 

He turned to leave but paused when he caught sight of some distant clouds. Couldn't be anything but storm clouds. He thought he remembered someone saying tonight's storm was supposed to be a big one. There was no choice then. He rang the doorbell. 

The seconds he waited were excruciating. What if they weren't even there? What if they  _were_ , and they just didn't want to see him. What if- What it- What if-. 

Heidi opened the door, frowning at him exactly like Cynthia would have if he tried to have someone over after being suspended. "Evan can't hang out now. He's grounded."

Connor opened his mouth to try and explain, but nothing came out. He swallowed hard.

"I, um-" And then he was crying again, full on sobbing, and Heidi seemed to notice the duffel bag and tear tracks for the first time.

"Oh," she said, "Oh, Jesus. Come inside, Connor."

She opened the door farther for him, and he stepped into the entryway, sobbing and sniffling. 

"Come in the kitchen, let's get you warmed up." 

He shrugged the duffel bag off his shoulder and set it next to his chair, trying to rein himself back in before he made himself sick. 

"Dinner's almost ready," Heidi told him, smiling gently. "You can go upstairs and talk to Evan, and I'll get you something warm to drink. Alright?"

He nodded.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I don't hate Larry, or see him as a villain in the musical, but in this story... he's a fucking twat lmao
> 
> I've been working on this chapter since the 15th! It's finally done!


	20. Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have friends and it's pure <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for all of your wonderful comments! You guys are the reason I continue this story, despite writer's block/depression/etc.
> 
> I've written and rewritten this chapter so many times. I hope the final result is something you guys will like. Thanks in advance for reading, and have a wonderful day!

The door slammed into the wall when he opened it and slammed again when he closed it. Evan jumped a foot, expression shifting from shock to confusion to concern. Connor had been crying for hours, and he was sure Evan could tell. He sat down on the bed beside Evan, curling up against him and sobbing. 

Evan stiffened, confusion radiating from him in waves. But he wrapped his arms around Connor and held him tight, humming lightly and running a gentle hand through his hair. It helped, and Connor was able to force himself to stop crying before he made himself sick. Evan didn't ask questions, but Connor answered them anyway.

"Larry found out. He destroyed all my stuff, and he-" his voice rose until it broke. Evan held on tighter.

"I'm sorry.  _I'm so sorry_."

Connor huffed a laugh. "Not your fault. It was going to happen eventually."

"Is that why your face...?"

He looked up, raising a brow. "What's wrong with my face?"

Evan brushed his fingers across his own cheekbone, and Connor raised his hand to do the same. The sting was enough to bring tears to his eyes. "Oh."

Evan kissed his forehead. Somehow it was more soothing than the rest combined. 

"Did he kick you out? Or did you run?"

Connor shrugged. "He didn't tell me to leave, but... I got the impression that I wasn't welcome."

Evan took a shaky breath. "It's okay," he whispered. 

Connor shook his head, ending with his face pressed into Evan's shoulder. "It's not." His voice was muffled.

"I meant... what you feel is okay. You're- We're okay now. We're safe."

Connor adjusted his position so that he was flush against Evan's side, resting his head on his shoulder. The whole thing felt  _intimate_ , and he didn't quite know how to feel about it. 

"He just-" Connor stopped, taking a breath and trying to collect his thoughts. "I knew this would happen, but part of me hoped that... I don't know..."

Evan nodded. "I understand. My, uh..." he swallowed. "My dad... he was trying to get back in contact with me, you know? But then I guess he realized the anxiety thing was still going on, and he just... gave up?"

"Wow. That's... I'm really sorry..."

Evan shrugged. "It's not unexpected. I think it's one of the reasons he left in the first place. Or, at least... why he hasn't texted me until now."

They went silent for a few moments. Connor pressed a kiss to the underside of Evan's jaw, enjoying the sudden shiver that passed through him at the contact. Evan's face went red.

Heidi knocked lightly on the door, and Evan turned redder. "Dinner's ready. Are you two interested?"

Evan looked over at him and he nodded frantically. He hadn't eaten all day. "Be right there," Evan called, and they heard Heidi's footsteps move back down the hall. 

Connor dragged himself up, scrubbing at his eyes and trying to fix the mess his hair had become. Evan gasped lightly, and he froze. "What?"

"Your hands."

Connor looked down. The palms of both hands were covered in gashes. For the first time, he noticed the small smear of blood on Evan's shirt. 

"Oh. They're from when I fell. I'm fine."

"When you fell?"

"Yeah. After he hit me, I fell and scraped my hands on the shards on the floor." Seeing the expression on Evan's face, he backpedaled. "I'm fine though. It doesn't even hurt."

Evan sniffled, then took Connor by the wrist. "Come on. My mom will clean you up. And when she's done, I'm going to fucking murder your dad."

Connor laughed.

* * *

It had started to rain sometime while Connor had been in Evan's room. The thunder started during dinner, and the cold from outside seemed to flow in through the floorboards, seeping into Connor's bones and leeching the warmth away. He was sure that, had he not cried himself out already, he would have done so now. Evan flinched with each crack of thunder, and Connor found his hand under the table, clinging tightly.

Heidi had a textbook in front of her, turning pages with one hand while she ate with the other. Connor couldn't tell if she was trying to give them their space or if she was really that busy, but he wasn't going to complain. It was a relief not to have an entire table with their attention on him for once. Evan looked glum, and he leaned his head lightly on Connor's shoulder. 

They did the dishes together while Heidi took a shower ("Don't worry about the hot water, I'll be fine"). Connor washed, and Evan dried, and the silence that filled the room was practically suffocating. Neither of them knew what to say after what had happened. Heidi stopped in to kiss Evan's forehead on her way out the door, headed to one of her night classes. She squeezed Connor's shoulder as she passed, smiling reassuringly. 

"Don't stay up too late," she said, taking her keys from a peg on the wall and opening the door. "And Connor, text your sister. I'm sure she's worried."

Connor nodded mutely. He'd completely forgotten. His phone was almost dead, so he sent the text fast, turning down the brightness and putting it back in his pocket. 

 **You:** **i'm okay. i'm at evan's.**

Evan was just taking the last dish from the strainer, putting it in the cupboard and closing the door. He hung up the towel and came over to stand behind Connor, wrapping his arms around him. 

"Hey," he whispered.

"Hey."

* * *

They stayed together in Evan's bed that night. It was a tight fit, but it was warm, and Evan fit perfectly into Connor's arms. When Connor finally fell asleep, he felt like the shattered mess in his chest was losing its edges. 

* * *

It was after ten when Connor finally woke up. Evan had gotten up, he noticed immediately. The bed was still warm. He heard the shower running on the other side of the wall and the quiet sound of Evan humming. He rolled over, taking his phone off the bedside table and unlocking it. He had five messages from Zoe.

 **Zoe:** **Are you really?**

**Zoe: Mom is worried about you. Can I tell her where you are?**

**Zoe: I can't believe he actually did that.**

**Zoe: Mom's looking for jobs. She took her laptop to her room and she hasn't come out in hours. I wouldn't have even known if I hadn't brought her some coffee this morning. I think she was up all night. Dad was gone until two last night, and he fell asleep in the guest room. Mom didn't even try to make us have breakfast together.**

**Zoe: They're getting a divorce, aren't they?**

The texts were all sent before eight that morning. She would just be on break now. 

**You: i think they are. at least thats what she said**

**Zoe: Did you just wake up?**

**You: yeah, i couldn't sleep much last night**

**Zoe: Do you need anything from home? Dad doesn't get home until five, I can sneak some stuff out.**

**You: can you see if my good earbuds are still in the drawer? my toothbrush?**

**Zoe: No problem.**

She seemed disoriented, even through text. Like she still hadn't fully grasped the situation. He couldn't blame her; he felt the same.

**Zoe: I have to go. Take a shower, and brush your hair.**

He ran a hand through the tangled oil slick that he was trying to call hair. 

**You: yes ma'am**

He put his phone back on the bedside table, closing his eyes and trying to make sense of the past few hours. It felt like a dream. If he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend he was in his own bed, with Cynthia in the kitchen making breakfast, and Zoe screaming crappy music from the shower. Except... his bed had never been this comfortable. (Evan's had a comfortable groove in the middle so that when you lied in it and pulled the covers over you, it felt like a cocoon.) And Evan's house was too quiet to be anything like his. He wondered, absently, how many mornings Evan must spend alone. 

The shower turned off, and Connor forced himself to sit up, leaning his head back against the wall behind him. His stomach was somersault-y, like he'd food-poisoned himself, and he was minutes from getting sick. 

Evan opened the door, smiling as he walked in and tossed his pajamas into the pile of clothes in the corner. "Hey."

"Hey." Connor's stomach settled. 

Evan climbed back onto the bed, curling into his side. "How are you feeling?"

"Weird. Like it's not real yet."

Evan nodded, pressing a light kiss to Connor's collarbone. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Aren't you grounded?" Connor teased.

"Are you going to tell her?"

Connor shook his head, kissing the top of Evan's head, and pulling him closer so that he could press a quick kiss to his lips as well. 

"I have to shower, and then we can watch something."

Evan nodded, and Connor dragged himself out of bed, grabbing a shirt and some sweats from Evan's drawer and crossing the hall to the bathroom. 

* * *

He stepped out of the shower feeling like a whole new person. Lighter, almost. Like the hot water had washed last night away. He'd borrowed some of Heidi's conditioner, so his hair smelled like lavender. 

Evan made room for him on the couch, moving to one side and letting Connor stretch his long body across the other. He ended with head on Evan's shoulder, his wet hair soaking the sleeve of Evan's shirt (He was wearing the polo from the first day of school, and Connor thought he might die. It was fucking adorable).

They put on  _The Aristocats_ , and Evan went to the kitchen to get some popcorn. 

"Zoe's coming over after school," he said as Evan sat back down. "Do you want to ask Alana and Jared if they want to come?"

Evan nodded, readjusting his position so that his legs rested on Connor's lap and his breath tickled Connor's shoulder. His hair had dried messily, and face was flushed from the heat the couch absorbed and radiated in waves. He looked simultaneously hot and adorable, and Connor tried his best to focus on the movie.

"Do you ever just..." Evan trailed off.

"Just what?"

"It's a dumb question."

"No, now I want to know."

Evan sighed, closing his eyes and keeping them that way for a moment. 

"Do you ever just want to stop existing. Or, maybe... for everyone else to stop?"

Connor blinked. "Yeah. A lot of the time actually."

Evan nodded, opening his eyes and looking back at his boyfriend. "I just... I can't feel anything anymore. Everything just feels like nothing to me."

Connor took his hand.

"But... you feel like something. You still feel like you." He smiled with everything but his eyes, and Connor smiled back as best he could.

* * *

They finished their movie and had moved to Evan's room to work on missed work when the doorbell finally rang. Connor led the way to the door, and Evan followed behind, trying desperately to straighten up the house a bit as he went. Zoe and Alana were standing on the porch, with Jared leaning against the wall behind them.

"Hey," Connor said. Because what else could he say?

"Hey," Zoe said, sounding dazed as she handed him a Vons bag of his things from home. He stepped out of their way, and they walked inside. Jared, the only one who'd been to Evan's before, led the way to the couch. The others filled up all the spaces, and Connor and Evan took the floor. 

"How are you doing, Connor?" Alana asked, her voice tight. It was clear she was treading on eggshells. Connor hated it, for all that she was trying to be courteous. 

"Okay, I guess. I don't think I've fully processed it."

Alana nodded, looking down at her hands, clenched into fists in her lap. Zoe placed a hand on her wrist, and she relaxed a bit.

"They wouldn't stop talking about the fight at school today," Jared said, managing to sound simultaneously bored and elated. "Some of the girls are trying to protest to get you unsuspended, and to expel Jordan."

"They say that this should be counted as multiple offenses," Zoe explained, listing and counting on her fingers: "homophobic slurs to me, slurs to you, slurs to Evan, physical violence against Evan, and physical violence against you. I've been trying to get them to back off, since one good look at Connor's record can get him expelled, but they won't quiet down."

Connor shrugged. "At this point, I don't think there's much of a chance I'll even get to graduate. I'm already failing math, and my grade in science isn't too good either."

Alana looked up. "I can keep tutoring you if you want. I don't have much time, but I'm sure I can rearrange my schedule a bit..."

He shrugged again. "Maybe I should just drop out. I won't get into college either way..."

Alana looked almost horrified, and he laughed at her expression.

"Connor! That's- No. You're too smart to drop out. I'll be over here right after school tomorrow to help you."

"Too smart?" Jared repeated, and Connor glowered. Jared poked his tongue out, smirking.

"I forgot," Alana said, mimicking his smirk as her tone turned playful. "Jared was in CP classes all through Freshman and Sophomore year."

Jared protested, but Alana continued, a laugh in her voice. "So there's no way for him to know that Connor had a 4.0 for three of those four semesters."

"It was weighted," Connor muttered, but he was smiling. 

"What happened, then?" Jared asked.

"It got harder, I got depressed, you know the rest."

"Same."

"What was your GPA like, Zoe?"

She thought about it for a moment, her eyebrows pushing together. Alana sighed aloud, and Connor bit back a laugh.

"I don't even know what my GPA is  _now_. I think I had a 3.5 in Freshman year, and a 3.2 as a Sophomore."

"Honestly," Jared said, "fuck all of you. I have a 2.6."

Evan laughed, a real laugh, and Connor's frozen chest cavity warmed up a bit. 

"Maybe you should do your homework, Jared."

"Ain't nobody got time for that, man."

Evan snorted, and Zoe let out an honest-to-God cackle. 

_Is this what having friends feels like?_

* * *

Heidi got home around five, and the other three were still there.

"You're still grounded, Evan," she said, but went to the kitchen to start on dinner for the all of them anyway.

Evan had the good sense to at least act chastized until his mom left the room, then turned his attention back to the game board in the middle of the room, where Jared was moving Colonel Mustard into the kitchen.

"Peacock in the kitchen, with a... metal pipe."

Evan looked at his cards, showing the kitchen to Jared quickly, who crossed it off. Evan rolled, moving to the billiard room.

"Scarlet in the billiard room, with the candlestick."

Jared and Zoe both shrugged, and Alana showed him the candlestick. Damn.

Heidi called him from the kitchen. "Evan! Hold the strainer for me?"

He got up, tucking his cards under the edge of the board.

"Don't look, Jared," he called back, seeing his friend already starting to do so. 

Heidi handed him the strainer, and he held it over the sink as she poured a panful of spaghetti into it. 

"Is that the girl you liked in there? Zoe?"

Evan felt his face flaming. "Yeah. I- I mean. In August. Not now, obviously."

Heidi smiled knowingly. "No need to defend yourself to me, Evan." He poured the spaghetti back into the pan. "Go back to your friends. This only needs about five more minutes while I finish the bread."

He walked back to the living room, where Zoe was hastily tucking his cards back where they had been before.

"Cheaters," he muttered, and Jared snickered. Alana looked almost sorry, but when she won one round later, her sorriness seemed to evaporate. Evan crossed his arms, and Connor moved close enough to kiss his forehead as they walked to the kitchen to get their food. He practically melted, and Connor laughed softly against his hairline. 

"Something wrong, Ev?"

Evan blushed, shoving him gently. "Fuck off."

Connor raised his brows, biting his lip with a laugh in his eyes. 

"Hurry up, lovebirds!" Jared called. "I'd like to eat sometime in the next century!"

Connor's face reddened to match Evan, and he pulled back, grabbing a bowl and serving himself.

* * *

Zoe was the last one to leave. Jared had to get home at eight, and his parents gave Alana a ride. Zoe called Cynthia, and Connor waited in tense silence with her on the front porch. Heidi had assigned dishes to Evan for the night- "Maybe next time you won't have friends over while you're grounded."- so that left the two Murphy siblings together.

"I can't believe they're getting divorced."

Connor examined the scuffs on his boots. "I can," he said softly. 

"It's just that... I don't know. They've always had their bad times. But they always make up."

He shook his head, surprised by her naivete. "No, they don't. They haven't in... years. They haven't loved each other since I started middle school, and they haven't liked each other since last may, at least."

Zoe sniffled, and he looked up. She was crying, a single tear clinging to her clenched jaw. 

He wrapped an arm awkwardly around her shoulders, and when she spoke her voice was high and pained. 

"I'm sorry. I know what he did was wrong, but I don't want-" she broke off with a sob, and started over- "I don't want our family to be over."

Connor couldn't agree. Months ago, years ago, he could have cried over their poor, broken family. But not now. They'd tried hard to hold everything together, but in the end, it made everyone suffer more. Made Connor suffer more. Made Zoe suffer more, though she chose to ignore that fact. 

Cynthia pulled into the drive, and the two siblings stood together. Zoe hugged Connor tightly, shoving her face into his shoulder so hard it hurt. "I love you."

He blinked, suddenly feeling like he was about to cry as well.

"I love you, too."

She let him go and walked to the car, and Connor watched the car pull out again and drive off. He stood there for a while afterward, in the light from the porch, Zoe's tears drying from his shirt.

The door opened behind him, and Evan stood in the entryway in his pajama's watching Connor with worry in his eyes.

"You coming, Connor?"

He hesitated a moment, then nodded, shaking himself as if to dispel some ghost.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing this since March 30th. I'm honestly so terrible. I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, to be honest. It feels filler-y...
> 
> Either way, thank you again for all of your comments! They're greatly appreciated :)


	21. The Zoe Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bass babe isn't doing too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of abuse and homophobia. Be careful, guys.

The lights flew by outside as Cynthia drove silently. Zoe kept her gaze on the view, trying her best to hide her tear-streaked face from her mother. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see Connor, standing on Evan's porch as he disappeared from view. He'd looked so small and lonely. Fragile. 

"Zoe?"

"Hm?"

Cynthia cleared her throat. "We... your father and I... we're-"

"Getting divorced?"

Cynthia recognized the tears in her voice and laid a hand on her elbow. 

"Yes."

"Because of what he did to Connor?"

"There's more to it than that, but yes."

Zoe nodded. "Okay."

"'Okay'? Talk to me, honey." Cynthia sounded tired, and Zoe swallowed back her emotions to face her mother. 

"What am I supposed to say? It's better for everyone. And in the end, I don't really get a say, do I?"

Her mother sighed. "What would you have chosen, Zoe?"

Zoe crossed her arms and looked down. "I don't know."

"This is the best way. I can get a job and an apartment somewhere, and you two can get out of that house."

_What if I don't want that?_

* * *

Larry was sitting on the couch when they got home, watching the game with a drink in his hand. He looked up when he saw them and set his drink to the side. "Cyn, let's talk about this, please."

Cynthia stopped, and Zoe paused behind her, waiting to see what would happen.

"About what, Larry? You hit our son. There's nothing to talk about."

Zoe felt her stomach drop. She looked between the two. Cynthia's expression was furious, and Larry's entreating. As she watched, her father got up, crossing the room and stopping a few feet from her mother.

"We've been together for  _twenty years_ , Cynthia. I  _love you_."

Cynthia shook her head. "There hasn't been love in this marriage for years. And even if there had been..."

Larry was angry now. Zoe could see him trying to hide it, but his eyes flashed. She remembered the same look in them on the day she'd fallen, and she shuddered despite herself. Cynthia noticed, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. 

"I've given you everything. Everything, Cynthia! This house, those clothes, the food you eat every day! It's all because of me! You'd never make in on your own! You'll end up homeless, and drag the kids down with you. Why put yourselves through that?"

Cynthia squeezed Zoe's shoulder tightly for a second, then released her. "You have no idea what I can and can't do. I worked for years before we met. I supported myself. I got a degree, an apartment, and a job, without anyone's help. I gave it up for the kids. But if this is what they need from me, I'll do it."

"You can't take my kids from me. I could take you to court."

Zoe felt anger rise in her. She remembered Connor, ages ago, telling her, " _It's blinding. It takes you over, and you can't control yourself_." Was this was that felt like?

"Why? Are you going to force your two gay kids to stay home so you can be abusive and homophobic to their faces?"

Larry looked stricken. Cynthia put her hand back on Zoe's shoulder. A warning. Zoe ignored it.

"I was never-"

"You destroyed everything Connor owns because he held hands with his boyfriend after he got hurt! He's been collecting those CD's since he was twelve! He cared about those songs, and his drawings, and every other thing you fucking destroyed!" Her face was wet. "You wouldn't let him have therapy or medicine! He was suffering! He tried to kill himself  _multiple fucking times_ , and you wouldn't lift a god damn finger to help him, because you thought he was doing it for attention!" She sobbed, scrubbing tears furiously from her face. "You humiliated him in front of Evan and took every opportunity you could find to make him miserable!"

"Connor is-"

"You pushed me down the stairs for kissing my girlfriend! You could have killed me! My brain is damaged, forever! I- I have epilepsy because of you!"

Cynthia wrapped her arms around her, but Zoe pulled back like the touch had burned her.

"And  _you_! You let him! You let both of them! You let him say whatever he wanted to Connor! And you let Connor do whatever he wanted to me!"

"He's sick, Zoe."

"SO? SO FUCKING WHAT? Mental illness doesn't excuse abuse! It doesn't excuse threatening to fucking kill me because I looked at him wrong!"

"He's getting better, Zoe."

"No thanks to either of you! I've already... I've already forgiven him as much as I can. Because he's trying! What did you do to stop him? What did you ever do to stop him? You turned everything around, always turned him into the victim! What about me?"

"Zoe-"

"Why was this what it took? Why did you let him give me fucking brain damage, and still stay with him? But when Connor got hit, you suddenly decided to leave him?  _Why is it always him? Why was I not enough?_ "

Cynthia and Larry both looked stricken, and Zoe pushed past them both, sobbing harder than ever. She felt sick, dizziness trying to take over. Reaching her room, she slammed the door, locking it behind her and pushing the desk in front of it for extra security. No one would bother her again. 

No one would ever make her feel small and scared again.

From now on, she would be safe in her home. She would make sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed this scene for Zoe, and I couldn't fit it in anywhere else, so she gets an interlude.


	22. Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My boys are not doing well. That's all I have to say on the matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this chapter since June. Depression can suck my ass.
> 
> (Trigger warning for self-harm and suicidal ideation.)

Zoe was the only one already at school when Heidi dropped them off at seven. The school was practically empty, with a few janitors and even fewer kids wandering around. Zoe was almost never there so early, and it immediately put Connor on edge. She was by herself in at a table in the cafeteria, and they crossed the room to join her. She looked up from her phone, eyes ringed with dark circles and even darker eyeliner. 

"I thought you moved past your scene phase," Connor commented, and she rolled her eyes.

"Is something wrong?" Evan asked her, and Connor raised an eyebrow as he examined Evan's equally intense dark circles. 

She turned her gaze on Connor, a frown pulling at her features. "Mom and Dad are pissing me off. That's all."

He nodded, pulling his phone from his back pocket and unlocking it. He opened Tumblr and scrolled absently, skimming mental health memes and depression aesthetics.

"What about you, Evan?" Zoe continued. "You look like you haven't slept in days."

Evan shrugged, and Connor paused his scrolling to watch the blush rise on Evan's face as he realized he'd been caught. "The last few weeks have been pretty hectic, and I haven't been sleeping too well. My mom wants to have my sleep aids adjusted, but I don't think it'll help much. And finals, you know?"

"You'll do fine," Connor reassured, looping his arm through Evan's before focusing on his screen again. "You're doing amazing in all of your classes."

"W-well, yeah. I mean- I am right now. But all of my finals are a pretty high percentage of my grade this year. And Davidson's final is a presentation..."

"Davidson is English, right?"

He nodded. "It's an in-depth analysis of a book of our choice. I don't know how I'm going to do it..."

"Colleges look at Sophomore and Junior years more than anything else," Zoe pointed out. "As long as you don't completely fail it, I don't think they'll care. But I did know this guy whose brother failed AP Stats and got dropped by the college that had accepted him." She paused, looking at Evan's face, which was getting paler by the second. "Sorry. That probably didn't help."

"No shit," Connor replied, though there was no real bite behind it. Evan squeezed his arm, and he squeezed back.

"A-and anyway," Evan said, "I'm still not sure I can go to college. My mom wants me to write these scholarship essays, but I haven't had the motivation to do any of them."

"You should at least look at them."

He shrugged, startling slightly as Jared's chair screeched against the floor beside him. Connor watched through a window as Alana walked through the school gates and toward the cafeteria. The school day had started.

* * *

Connor bounced his knee as his history teacher read from the passage. He spun his pencil between his fingers, skimming through his notes and trying to tune the teacher out. He'd already finished them after reading the passage, and now it was only a review. He'd woken up that morning feeling strangely productive, and he'd gotten ahead on all of his work during first period. He couldn't comment on the quality, but it was more than he usually did. 

A girl he recognized as one of Zoe's friends was watching him, curiosity in her gaze. He could feel her eyes on the back of his neck, and the sensation sent nervous shivers through him. He put his pencil down and reached into his backpack, pulling out his only remaining sketchbook and flipping to a new page. Curling his fingers around the pencil again, Connor pressed the lead to the paper. His hand was shaking, but he continued anyway, pulling the pencil to make darker and darker lines. 

 _God_ , Connor needed a smoke. 

He wasn't sure what he was drawing, but he continued, filling page after page with dark scribbles and shaky lines, until, when the bell rang, he had almost filled every page. History was his fifth period of the day, but he couldn't be bothered with going to Math right now. He grabbed his bag, pulling himself to his feet, and pushed through the flood of people leaving the room to escape to his usual smoke spot. He didn't have anything on him right now, but he felt like he'd  _snap_ if he had to sit through another class in his current condition.

He crouched between the roots of the tree behind the English building, catching his breath for a few seconds before standing again and pulling himself into the branches. It wasn't high, but the branched were arranged just so, and he knew he couldn't be seen from below. He waited until the late bell rang, then pulled his knees to his chest and considered his options.

He'd run out of weed weeks ago, and cigarettes even longer ago. His razor blade was at home, gathering dust in the drawer of his bedside table. His nails though... He looked down at them, at their jagged edges and the torn nailbeds around them. 

Hands still shaking, he rolled up one of his sleeves, the mostly healed cuts bright against the pale tint of his skin. He'd been getting better. He could feel tears stinging his eyes as he pressed one of his jagged nails into his skin. The shadows of the leaves over his head made a patchwork of sunlight and darkness over him, and he took a deep breath before raking his nails over his arm. 

They left four red, stinging welts across his skin, but it wasn't enough to draw blood. Gritting his teeth, he pulled his nails over his skin again, a sound in between a laugh and a sob escaping as blood welled up and stained the underside of his nails. His breathing quickened, and he jerked his sleeve down again, tangling his fingers in his hair and pulling hard. He could feel the blood on his arm, the fabric rubbing against the stinging skin, the pain of his hair being pulled. 

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_.

He'd bit through his lip, and his mouth tasted like blood, the backsides of his eyelids were painted with blood, his arm was dripping with blood, there was blood  _everywhere_. Connor closed his eyes and bit back screams threatening to escape him. Not here. Not now.

"Connor-"

He shrieked, nearly falling from between the branches as Zoe pulled herself up beside him. She struggled for a second, huffing as she pulled her lower half up and into the nest of branches. He watched her take in his heaving chest and shaking shoulders, watched her pull back for a moment, then slowly move to settle herself beside him. 

"What's wrong?"

He sobbed, shaking his head and curling in on himself. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Shhh," she soothed, humming softly as she pulled an arm around his shoulders. "You're okay."

Connor made a sound between a cough and a sniffle, screwing his eyes shut and wrapping his right hand around the wrist on his injured arm. Zoe noticed, and when Connor opened his eyes again he met her calculating gaze. "Show me."

He choked on another sob and shook his head. "You'll hate me. You'll fucking hate me. I'm sorry."

"Con," she said firmly, squeezing his shoulder. "I'll  _never_ hate you. Okay? But I need you to show me."

He shook his head, but she put her hand over the one on his wrist, unclenching each finger one by one, then sliding the sleeve up. He hissed as the fabric rubbed against the cut, and she winced, face grim as she looked at it.

"Did you do this with your fingernails?"

He nodded, taking a sharp breath as he tried to pull himself together a bit. 

She let go, wrapping her other arm around his shoulders. He leaned on her quietly, wrapping his arms around her too. "How did you know where I was?"

"Lacy told me. She has fifth period with you. It wasn't too hard to figure out where you'd go, since you can't leave the school."

He nodded, swallowing back the sobs that threatened to consume him. "What time is it?" he croaked, and he felt her shrug before she answered.

"There's probably about fifteen minutes left in sixth period. I'm not exactly sure. Erickson doesn't have a clock in his room, but it took me a while to find a reason to leave and a while longer to find you."

"Are you going to be in trouble?"

"Nah. Erickson doesn't care as long as I come back for my stuff."

Connor nodded, jaw aching from how hard it was clenched as tremors ran through him. He took a deep breath through his nose, grimacing at how congested his crying jag had made him. "What happened at home?"

She stiffened. "Nothing. Just Dad being Dad and Mom being Mom. She's in contact with a divorce lawyer, and he's still trying to talk her out of it. But I don't think she's changing her mind."

Connor frowned at the lingering emotion in her voice. "Why would she? He's an asshole."

"He's also our dad." She sounded tired, like she didn't want to have this argument again. "I'm not saying I agree with him, or that I want to stay with him. All I'm saying is that I think she's caught up in the emotion of everything, and she might regret this later."

He shook his head, brain screaming arguments back at her while he clamped his lips together.

"Do you want me to call Evan?"

"Why?"

"Because he's your boyfriend, and he's going to know something's wrong. He's already pretty on edge today, I think it would be better for you to just tell him, instead of letting him worry."

Connor sighed. She was right, of course.

"That's probably best," he admitted. "Go back to class, Zo. I'll be fine now."

She squeezed him tight, then grabbed her hall pass from where it was nestled in the branches and dropped down to the ground. He waited for her footsteps to recede, then pulled out his phone to text Evan.

* * *

Connor waited for a minute or two after the last bell rang, then dropped down from the branches, taking a moment to collect himself now that he was out in the open. Evan had told him to stay put and wait for him, but the excessive energy had come back and Connor paced around the roots of the tree.

He'd been through these energy spikes before. He knew that the depressive episodes that followed were the worst that he'd experienced. Biting his lip as tears pricked at his already burning eyes, Connor paced faster. He was done with the spikes, and the anger, and the depression. Done with starting every day without the energy to finish it. 

He just wanted to be done.

Connor walked back over to the tree's roots, pulling his knees to his chest and waiting for the sound of Evan's approaching footsteps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, publishing short chapters with the same plot as every other tree bros fic on the planet: is this productivity?


End file.
